The River
by Libquedation
Summary: A look into the mind of one Alliance-altered psychic with a tendency for violence and massive mood swings. This story goes through the episodes entirely made up of River Tam's thoughts.
1. Serenity

Voices. Loud, angry voices. They burn the mind, torture the brain. **Burning**, yelling, shouting. So many voices, no way to turn.

Warm air like the sun upon a face, _fire in the heart._ So much cold must get out. Wet, cold, must escape. Hard ground, too much of a draft, don't notice. She feels no cold nor pain anymore after _needles_ in the **brain, eyes**.

Light burns, so bright. Huddle like a penguin in the Arctic to keep warm. Negative 78 degrees every year at the poles, must huddle during winter or die. Must huddle or freeze in cold. No food, nothing for six long months.

Tremors rake over my skin, the cold burning it. I _**hear**_ much more than I should.

_This…stop….what…need…cannot…think…cute…_

Fragments, piercing, glass shards digging into gray brain tissue!

Too many. _**Burns my head**_, bleeds with the pain, no grip on surroundings. Cannot move, nothing to hold on to, falling into space, pure **blackness**…

Face is familiar, sounds are new. Hands clenched on my wrists, keep me anchored. Sounds drown out the rests, medical jargon bouncing off my brain. Too much already, won't be sent back. Wild like a tiger, take in surroundings, best way to escape…

Mumbling accursed words. Cannot hear too much **yelling** in my head, it _**hurts**_. Familiar dig into my mind, mumbles sound like someone I know…

"Simon?" It cracks and shatters as I speak for the first time in approximately 3 weeks, 2 days, 5 hours, 46 minutes, 37 seconds, 38, 39, 40…

"Simon, they- they talk to me and- and," can't convey meanings, lost in head, not comprehending.** He understands, he doesn't comprehend**. Threatens to drown me, blind me, deafen me…

Black whirling, confused, _red _on outskirts, **ripping, **_can't be trusted. _

Arms embrace my limp shoulders, keep me anchored to the ground before my soul flies up and away and is lost for all eternity, like dandelion seeds are lost in the wind, floating away forever unless acted upon by an unequal force, is Newton's Laws of Motion.

Shaking, cold, wet tears drench cheeks as sobs pour out.

"What the hell is this?" Amplified ten times as usual, in the mind and ears. Burns, so much pain, no privacy, no room for me, float away, pieces lost as tears. No turning home.

"This is my sister."

No help can be applied no matter what they say loud enough in my head. _**No one can fix a broken glass once it is shattered.**_

Needles in eyes! Reading brain! White, cold! Will not go in!

Soft murmurings, cajoling me, _soft spoken, _must coddle the newborn. **Wrap **in soft linens, bundle, protect from world.

_**She is not a newborn. Simply a new mind. No one will understand. **_

"River, please, sit down."

_Simon. _Simplewords, nothing but urge to help, cajoles broken sister. Must go in. Tears fall, soft upon skin, memories surface.

Cleaning arm, needle in hand.

**Stupid. **

Must not look, needles cause _destruction. _Catalog surroundings, first thing taught, first thing learned, look around, **vision goes **_**hazy **_as pinprick sharpens senses.

In and out, woozy emotion, drowsy…

"Simon!"

"Time to sleep mei-mei."

Nod, fall back against his hands, thankful for robe sheathing self, skin on skin contact too much to handle, too much to read.

_Slip away…_

**Malice. Hate, **_need to destroy. _

Kaywinnet Lee Frye. Stomach wound, 100 percent chance of living. She is fine, she is safe…not for long.

Treachery!

"Simon?"

"What's wrong sweetie?" She asked, all caring and sweet, ice cream on a hot day.

Must escape, must get out, too much madness, it crawls under the skin and bites into me, itching, painful, DOBSON!

Death near, gun pointed at head. Greed, death, blue hands…No!

_Where is Simon? _

Above, bird that flits above, waiting to strike, death blow, falling towards _us, _knocks into him, winded, no…must escape. Too much, too much, everything in me, **too much! **

Shrink behind, material object block out the shrill emotions, painful thoughts and memories, everything, everything.

Shots fired, Simon down, NO!

Grasped around arm, greed, malice fills to brim, no struggle to break free, everything too much!

Escape! Need it!

_Malcolm Reynolds. _Shot, calculating hands fall away, shiver, need to wipe away their touch. Simon stretches, need to comfort the broken, don't need!

**She will just fall away.**

Wipe the taste of him off of self, too much to tell.

It is all just too much.

Helps me, lays me down in the bed.

"Time to sleep."

"I slept for so long."

Obvious. Slept for over a week. Trapped, tiger in the cage. Tiger, tiger, burning bright…

Rapt attention, bruising on face, split lip. Pain…

Touching, confused. Got it for me. Lost everything for me…

For me.

Found broken, beyond repair.

_**No one can fix the broken glass once it shatters. **_


	2. The Train Job

**So, I didn't put a disclaimer in the last chapter, so here it is! I don't own anything Firefly, I just play with the toys Joss has so kindly left us :) Please review, I really like this story idea of us seeing through River's mind and watching as she ebbs and flows back and forth between crazier and saner. So I wanna know what you think! Review :) Constructive criticism is welcome!**

* * *

><p><em>Felt <em>the pain outside, the ship flying, **steady course Wash**. No big deal, frighten peons, gather family, _go home. _

_Home. _

Noun. The place in which one's domestic affections are centered.

**She has no home. **

No one to love. Mother, father, dragged away by greed, fashion, pitted in _vices. _She never knew before until now.

_**Two by two, hands of blue. **_

"River?"

Name, not number. What is a river? A flowing of water.

Her mind _flows,_ elegance, grace, **sporadic **like the water. Insane, like the water. Drip, drip, drip…

"Won't go back, won't ever go back."

"River, are you feeling alright?"

"Won't go back! Blue, evil, hands!"

Nick of needle, falling into dark, deep, hands on skin, too much…too much…

Dreams whirl, darkness all around, pain in eyes, head, grinding out circles in brain, nothing but PAIN! Searing pain, fear too, grinding teeth, screeching.

Blue hands come near, whirring machines grow louder as they center in on their kill, shrieks begin to permeate ears, louder and louder.

Metal almost touching, blood dripping into eyes, _**NO!**_

Awake! Whirl off of table, clatter of instruments, cower, cover, _safe. _

"River. River, it's okay, it's me."

_Simon. _Blood relative, brother. Only one left.

Home.

"You know who I am…?"

_Uh yeah. Easy question, easy answer. Simple, simple, __**simple. **_

"Simon."

Relief floods into the _River, _adding to the chaos, insanity. No help, no help.

"Were you dreaming? Did you dream about the Academy?"

_River, river, river. They flow and flow. Not relevant, no relevance, simply insane, flowing off the tongue like a lie. _

"It's not relevant."

Time to rise, end dialogue. Pulls self up, grasps arms, _**hold it together. **_Holding me together.

"If you can talk about what happened there, I know it's hard but the more I know, the faster you'll get better, I promise."

Empty promises, no hope for a full river. Pump any more into it, it'll overtake you, everything around you.

Including home.

"This isn't home?"

Confusion, no home, nothing around, empty ship.

**Not home. **

"No. No, we can't go home. If we go home, they'll just send you back to the Academy. We're on a ship!"

Academy. Bad.

Lightheartedness. Not needed.

_Keep it together. Keep me together. _

"Midbulk transport, standard radion-accelerator core, class code 03-K64, Firefly."

_Simple. _Easy. Holds together. Numbers, rhythm, words, keep it together. Keep it simple.

_**Simple as a plane of glass. **_

SHATTER.

"Well, that's something. I can't even remember all of that."

Captain. Rooster. King.

_Kingly king. _

Blood, _**red**_flows off, anger simmering, keeping it simple. Unhappy. Bad.

Doctor talk, keeping it classy. Eyes follow him, stalking prey, watching, waiting. Making sure that he keeps himself in check.

**Bad. **

Leaving, back turned, easy target.

"Mal."

Confusion filters into river, turns to him, makes a face.

"Bad."

Turn back, stare into bad back. **Bad. **

"In Latin."

Acceptance, don't want!

"River, you need to sit down, I need to run a test."

**Simon. **Blood. Home. No.

"No, no tests! No more tests!"

Anger surges in river, flows through, blocking everything, grasping nearest box, _**lot's of needles, metal, probes. **_

Crash! Throw, hurtle, bang.

Anger seeps down, flow through eyes, tears arise in aftermath. So much destruction, so much pain.

**Fear. **

**Pain. **

So much, crawling across spinning station, spinning _world. _Seeps through cracks, clouds the mind, clouds the air.

No one's home.

No loved ones here.

Nothing but pain.

Heist.

Noun. A robbery or holdup.

Robbery.

Noun. The felonious act of taking the property of another from his or her person or in his or her immediate presence, against his or her will, by violence or intimidation.

She flows across the midbulk transport, silent feet, keeping to self.

_Jayne, Kaylee, Simon. _

Intermingling in large section, heist, robbery underway.

Nicks at brain, little bites, nagging.

_Talking behind backs. _

**Moon-brain. **Over the moon. Insanity created by the moon, burning, burning into the temples, blood flowing into large doe eyes, incapacitated.

_Insanity. _

Stands up, fluid. No longer wanting any part, the nicks bleeding down forehead, dripping into eyes. No longer wants a part.

Glides through rooms, silently, a _ghost. _A whisper on the wind. Ethereal.

_Nothingness. _

No home.

Gaze goes up, windows shining bright, azure sky above, refracting blue into the atmosphere.

Not home.

Blue, takes from home.

"Two by two, hands of blue."

Own hands, shake with fright. No home, they snatch from home, take up and gobble in their greed.

No more home.

No more blue.

_**No home. **_

Back, now, pain, shot. Creeps into death room, full of _pain. _Large bulk is loud, screeching into brain pan, piercing with his growling.

Chatter, mindless chatter. Blue whirling around, images faltering. Gloves snap, fingers prod.

_Always coming. _

"They buzz this canyon, we'll hear them long before they ever see us…"

Does not matter, ever! Always coming, always.

"Won't stop. They'll never stop. They'll just keep coming until they get back what you took."

Open the floodgates, the river pours out.

Blue, ice blue…

"Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of blue."

The river falters, looks down, hands gone cold blue in the harsh lights. Shaky.

Man speaks, harsh, but she, me doesn't hear. Muddled in the brain pan, not wanting to listen. Never wanting to listen.

Just wants home.

There is no home.

Waiting.

Noun. Verb. A period of waiting. Stopping everything until what you want to happen, happens.

_No fun. _

Waiting for home to arrive. Mother dove to swoop in, bring her chick to safety.

**Won't ever happen. **

There is no home.

There is nothing.

The river waltzes to the bridge, following the flow. Takes shelter in the dark corner where she can see all, where I can take in everything.

She. Me. I.

All one entity.

A river.

River.

Sparkling in the light, the shiny light that Jayne sees before falling with a thud, his persona emptying, becoming dark and muddled.

They start to lift him up, using their body to lift his, an improbable attempt.

"River." Simon.

Touches arm, thoughts rebound, overflow into mind. Weightless, swimming in the clear pool of thoughts, swirling in the whirlpool, the river immersed in a lake, currents ebbing around in circles, forever trapped in perpetual motion.

"River, let's go." Speaks softly. Speak soft and carry a big stick.

No big stick here.

Prods and pokes, doctorly, hands of blue.

Into room, walking slowly, sits on bed.

"Stay here."

Like a dog, a bitch, a female dog, commanded to sit, stay, fetch.

_**Do as I say. **_

_**We won't hurt you. **_

Trembling begins, blue creeps into mind. Blue memories refill stream, turning clear water into the color of the sky, shivering.

Not a warm color.

_Took from home. _

_**There is no home. **_

"Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of blue."

Always two. Mated for life.

Always two, always blue. Like ice, freezing, suck the life out.

Always two, always blue.

"Two by two hands of blue. Two by two…"

Two by two, take you from your home.

_**There is no home. Nothing. **_

_**There is no home. **_


	3. Bushwhacked

Ruckus. Chaos. Utter ruckus and chaos.

Unfolding beneath me, a game, _pointless, _yet joy radiating from them like the sun radiates energy to the worlds around it, giving them _life_. Entertainment, excitement.

Happiness bubbles from each person _running, _**jumping, **_**shouting, **_sweating. Fills me up, takes me for a ride, leaves the fear of blue at the door. Gone for now, always.

But the **red. **

Not all red. A figment, a pigment of it, draped in the near future. Can taste it with every breath, every swallow. It clogs my throat, making it difficult to breathe, my lips moving as my eyes follow the game below, trying to cough up the **red**.

Ignores it best she can, focuses on the stomping feet, the yelling players.

Entertains me, her, keeps the forefront of the mind occupied. The red shawl is lifted for now, as fingers grip the cool metal, the parts in the shadow. The parts in the light, warm as fire.

Sees it before it happens.

_**Red lights fill the ship. **_Beeping follows not long after, the color foreshadowing the coming moments that I can _feel, _an everlasting curse.

Sweeping movements, walking towards the front of the ship, leaving everyone's sights, taking the long route, winding like a path through the forest. The scenic route. Little animals scattered here and there, all at peace until the vicious predator leaps out, turning the world to red. _Nothing but __**red**_. Fades to black...

Home lurches beneath the feet, lightly walks on, balance honed and center of gravity even, not needing a switch.

Feel the crew rush towards one end, flocking to the mother hen, the one who disturbed the nest when the fox came in with her clucking and screeching, feathers flying everywhere.

Discussion from the head of the ship, large men sticking up their crowns to assert their dominance and voice their opinion. Stop before you enter, not looking upon the echo of a ship, soft voices filtering into mind, nudging, calling, whispering secrets and lies and the hardships of life.

A trailed of sentence echoes in my ears, asking what the ship, spinning on its axis.

"What is it?"

Smile, unbidden crosses face, lifting the lips in a way they haven't in years.

"It's a ghost."

* * *

><p>Clawing, grappling, tearing, blood flowing wildly, their voices calling out in excitement, the victim's voices calling out in <em>so much <em>**pain**! It sears into her body, her mind full of it, the screeching and screams, bloodcurdling.

Restless!

Too much, too much, TOO MUCH!

With a shout, yanks herself out of the sleep, curling her arms about her body, tears falling from the River's eyes.

"Shhh. It's okay, I'm here." Simon. "Bad dreams again?"

Absurd. There is far too much _**terror **_in the air to even dream of dreaming.

Head starts to shake, quickly. "No, can't sleep. Too much screaming."

The truth can hurt, can frighten, but the truth is all that spills from my lips, hardly able to speak anything but. Rambling.

"River, there is no screaming."

Stupid. Of course not, not **now. **But it echoes, it echoes so much, causes limbs to tremble in an unwelcome manner, seems weak and helpless, like a newly born hatchling in the hen house.

"There was."

Fear and confusion rolls off of brother, bounces around in my brain. Cringe, try to peel it out, hands holding head to keep the sanity in.

Man reeking of contempt walks in, a joke hazy in his mind. _Perfect opportunity for embarrassment. _Dislike it, try to shake it out. Don't want to hear! Practical jokes cannot be heard in my mind anymore, they hold no weight, nothing at all.

Too much screaming.

Presences leave my own, rushing around to do dirty work. The screaming bounces around, drawing me to it. I want to help them, set them free, see what they want me to see.

_Save me. Save me, please. _

_**So much hatred. So much evil. **_

No hope.

My body picks itself up on its own, following the screams, my feet daintily walking along the cool metal, keeping me anchored against mother's belly.

New mother. New ship to travel.

Walk slowly, eyes looking everywhere and nowhere all at once. Seemingly infinite screams and speeches, all of them drawing louder, reaching a crescendo. Her feet, _**my feet**_, start moving quicker, picking up pace, until…

Stop.

Nothing.

The screams vanish, my, her eyes looking up, the mangled bodies lumped together as if cold, trying to find warmth in each other.

No voices here.

None at all.

Mal, _bad, _Zoë, talking, worried. Doesn't make a difference, the bodies hanging above are still silent. Bats, fluttering around outside of the home, but inside, stay upside down and attached to the ceiling.

**FEAR! **_**Spooked, rush, hurt, injure, **_**PAIN! **From above, cringing as they rush past, follow, safety.

Voices start up, whispering slowly, calling me back home, wanting **help. **

"River? What are you…" Simon speaks, shoulders shrug, speaking the truth.

"I followed the voices."

Cut off before I can continue speaking the truth, absolute truth.

"Don't ever leave the ship. Not ever!"

Little gnat buzzing around, clucking like the mother hen. Swat the gnat, silence the hen. My eyes roll on their own accord, and suddenly, the voices go _silent. _**Eerily silent. **

With a curse, comes a **SHOUT **of pain, cries of _**red, **_screams of **blood, **wishes of _terror _and _hatred _and _**evil. **_

A whimper escapes her lips, terror flooding veins at the absolute _chaos _bumbling around in the mind, freaking out and causing her to fall to the floor in a heap of fright.

"Take her back to _Serenity._ Now!" _**Bad **_barked. Strong hands wrapped around midsection, thumb pummeling into left kidney, her feet dragging along the ground as a river of slight tears dripped from her face.

_**Becoming an actual River.**_

* * *

><p>Dreams. Whirling, spinning, blood, skin, red, so much <em><strong>RED. <strong>_Hatred, burning in the night, a shining beacon of _**evil. **_A star, constantly moving, powered by the screams and yells, growing ever closer, lurking in the dark, hiding behind a veiled wall, screeching, growing ever closer.

Someone behind me, her, River. So much confusion, spinning around. Stop, look behind.

_**Red**_! It spits, shrieks, slashes, jolting awake with the movement, screams permeating lips, cutting into the sex-filled air. Soft hands wrap around, hold close, scream softly, close the eyes, _Inara, _but another appears! Spot of _**red, **_of evil, of **hate** and rape, slashing across the body, leaping and pouncing like a cat.

Shivering, cold, an _evil _cold seeping in, the draft in a warm house, the leak in a roof, blood from a wound.

Shroud falls over it, darkening the _**red. **_A veil of malignant contempt.

_**They don't like ones like us. Little merchants flying on our ship. They want to rule the skies, become the queen bee, minions doing whatever they wish. **_

"Sweetie, you okay?"

Words. Meaningless. Used to soothe herself, her own mind, not my own. Head nods anyways, reassuring her and the River. Cool relief seeped into mind, washing over.

_Fear always drifts inside. _

"INARA! Bring her out here!"

Calming presence leaves, angry one invades.

_Mal. Bad. In Latin. _

"Now River, we need to do this. We don't want you to get sent back to the Academy." _Simon. _

Nods shakily, memories trying to permeate into the brain, struggling to keep them at bay…_so difficult. _

"River, please?"

Shaking away the darkness, stepping into more. Claustrophobia would have been prevalent before, _years _before _**it. **_But now, it becomes welcome, becomes an enclosure, a protectorate from the dreaded skin contact. Minds still dance through mine, through hers, that entity named after a body of water.

Hand encased in a fibrous, plastic threaded material grasps my own, dragging along. Stop. Dark brown eyes look into hers.

"River, we are going to be going on the side of the ship now. Do not let go. Do NOT let go!"

She nods, eyes focusing on the indentations, the scratches, the imperfections of the smooth, plastic helmet. _**Fake and synthesized, just like everything else in life. **_

Leads up ladder.

_Magnetized boots, metal hull. Suction. _

Follows the trail of Simon, the taste of him burning my tongue, nothing but fright and concern. Slipping a coin on my tongue.

Wrapping my own encased fingers around the metal bar Simon guided them to, then somehow, the openness called my gaze.

The silly expression "It floored me" explained exactly the emotion whirling through my veins.

The empty realm of space expanded before us, never ending.

_The universe is constantly getting larger and smaller. Before we know it, the whole system will collapse upon us from the continual adding of entropy. _

Pinpricks of light, looking like needle stabs in paper, unmarred by _**light noise,**_ like at home…No home.

Beauty.

Openness.

Emptiness.

Space, the one thing that will accept _**anyone. **_

There is hope.

It is here.

This vastness that expands forever, takes everyone, makes everything insignificant.

_**There is hope. There is a home.**_

* * *

><p>"Time to go."<p>

Sadness enters through my pores, but I still feel _**it. It **_rang through me, calling me, whispering for me to listen to the quiet, the everlasting peace that _**it **_offered.

"Let's go again!" I say, ripping off my helmet too harshly, pulling my hair along with it. It didn't matter, was insignificant in my want to go back, to view the black expanse with pinpricks of light and hope all along it.

Simon shot me a look, but I felt the _wonder _and _happiness_ at my reaction. Apprehension flooded me as well, and I furrowed my brow, becoming a farm.

"Later. Maybe. Captain said once the coast was clear we should lay low in the shuttle." He spoke, but I barely heard him…

_**A tickle. **__Nudging. _**Still there. **

_**RED. **_

Stealthy and quick, easing along the edge of my mind, ripping, _tearing, _**pain. **

"He's coming back." I whispered. Warning, klaxon. Too quiet. Too much _fear. _

"Yes. Yes of course he is. They all are-"

_**No they are not. Not with the fear. **_

Tries to steer me into the mess. _**Red **_seeped through, along with the veil starting to encroach, growing ever closer. Shoving feet down, I paused, tears welling up in my vision. _The river producing a river. _

_Hear _them. Footsteps, clanging, door open. _Simon _freezes, his heart rate accelerating drastically.

"Someone's coming…"

A whimper escapes the river, pulling him back…

_**Where to go? **_

**Kicks in. Look, **_assess _surroundings. Yanks him into hallway, _cruel _minds, **confused **minds, _**unconcerned **_minds brushing against own. Shiver runs up spine, unwelcome ants crawling up and down, branch of Acadia tree, nursing aphids, brushing past the thorns, the misery sticking up, threatening to predators.

He turns, presses finger to lips.

_Duh. _

One last whimper, bites lip firmly, sewing pink skin together with invisible thread. _Silence is the answer. No harm comes from silence. _

His fingers grasp own, tightening harshly, but a welcome pain. _**Nothing **_like the pain _they _caused before.

Before at the school full of pain and hate and anger and fear.

_Bad _slips in, sees. _Hears _a multitude of paths running through his head. To turn or not to turn. That is the question.

_**Not to turn. **_

_**Maybe not so bad after all. **_

_**Maybe there is a home for the broken ones, hope for the River who creates one. **_

_**Too many rivers create a stream. Too many create chaos.**_

* * *

><p><em><em>**AN: **So, I cannot remember for the life of me if I put in a disclaimer or anything in the previous chapters, so here we go! I do not own anything from the Firefly series, especially not the interesting mind of River Tam. Please, leave behind a little love! :)

Anyways, as you readers know, this is a story documenting the series through the mind of the moonbrain herself. After I finish the series, I'm going to be doing the movie as well, which I have started. That is really what spurned me onwards to chronicle the series, THEN the Big Damn Movie. I hope you guys enjoy delving into River's mind as much as I do :) I'm really trying to add depth into her mind, but it is difficult sometimes to figure out what she is thinking in some parts of the series, especially in some scenes where her dialogue is totally random it seems. So I have the challenge (that I welcome) of deciphering the thoughts that ran to those words.

Another explanation is how throughout the series, it is easy to see how she fluctuates back and forth as time goes on from super crazy to being much more lucid. I'm trying to represent this by the shape of the story, with the centered text being her crazy time and the left-aligned text being her clearer periods.

So yeah! Leave a review and some input if you'd like :) Please! Pretty please with sugar on top?


	4. Shindig

Darkness. Nothing around, long corridor. _Little rats _scurrying around, **nipping **at the ankles, scratching with their nails, _breaking the skin. _

Hands reach out from all sides. _**Blue hands, **_shiny plastic encasing them, brilliantly colored, too bright, too bright! Burns the eyes, sears pain into _everything. _It's not real, it's not real. She knows it's not real! But she cannot help but sense it is, the rats with their _vermin, _the hands with their **grabbing and pain. **

Stumble. Stairs.

Three minds, all focused. Tries to grasp on, _slippery surfaces, _freshly washed, filled with discipline, all thinking on the silly, insignificant **card game **before them. No help from the blue hands that still try and grasp, _WON'T LET THEM! _

Rush to the counter, fingers hold on, something cracks, **feels nothing. Nothing at all. **Rats scurry, trying to eat the food, the pretty, shiny box of food.

_**Blue Sun. **_

Blue hands, too much darkness, not enough light! Oxymoronic, too much, too much! Hands grasp the meager packages, unloading from the box teeming with rats, their writhing bodies falling out onto the counter, tearing and ripping! Trying to attack _Them, _won't work, won't work!

_Rip _into casing, _tear _it to shreds, doing it for the slow rats, too slow, too slow. Not enough time, not to take _Them _down, blue hands, two by two, hands of blue.

Open the wrappings! Millions of particles thrown into the air, blinding dark brown eyes. Too many, cough wildly, trying to clear esophagus, doesn't work. Babbling, like a brook, words flowing, not making any sense, none at all.

Worry, washing over, into the babbling brook, the rats running away at the sound of footsteps, _squealing and crying,_ tripping over themselves, the dark mass and pink slimy tails disappearing, over the counter, ugly faces with ugly buckteeth vanishing.

_**How she wants to kill a rat. **_

Kill a rat, kill them all, kill _Them. _

Arms, strong arms, warp around, grasp, _**contain. **_Lights flutter around, burning into the eyes, burrowing into the brain, bats at them, arms contained, no batting, no fending self. Struggles for a second, doesn't work, _too weak. _Nonsensical music whispered in the ear passageway, eyes shut automatically, blocking the lights, blocking the _**pain **_that bites into self. Blocks the Blue Sun, the oxymoron.

"And they come."

Whispers, a warning. Knows it is all they will hear, all they will remember, _**must, MUST get point across! **_

Simple musings, nothing left. All worn to the bottom of the sole, the _soul. _Escorted from the room, feet dragging, not caring about the small pain.

_She has experienced much, much worse. _

Blue hands retreat upon sight of friends, the foes vanishing like the rats. The lights, flickering, _staying with me. _They swirl, make patterns in the air, stab into the eyes, into the ears, into the _**mind. **_Eyes snap shut, head shakes, hair smacking hard surface, resistance. Immovable object meets unstoppable force. What happens next?

_Dilemma. _

"River, I'm going to put you to sleep now, okay? The lights won't be there anymore after. You'll be safe."

No, no, no. No meds, no penicillin mixture, no smoothers, no dopes. NO!

"Don't want. Lights are fluttering, keeping safe, let them stay."

Bats hands away, shriek leaves lips. Can't help it, _too many memories. _Blue hands, Blue Sun, two by two hands of blue. They come, always in twos, Noah's Ark, walking in pairs, safety in numbers. Test Subject One-One-Five-Seven. No safety in those, only _blue..._

Sharp stab, fades to black…

* * *

><p>Gasps escape me, filling the air, sending the millions of little <em>light <em>particles scurrying away, air patterns occurring in soft swirls, ending in wildness and chaos.

_Stress _and **annoyance **filtered through the ever moving, distracting bubbles of light. Focusing, hard, she, me, _**it **_can stand up, ignore the whirling lights, sparkling, miniscule, particles, whispering their secrets.

_**Hope **_filters through them, bringing to light the situation of the herd, the poor sheep without a shepherd watching over them, directing their movements, giving them reason to keep living.

No hope.

Feet step over boundaries, enter into the unknown, strange minds flooding consciousness, familiarity grasping, pushing. Like a game, keep away.

"River, you can't be here."

"There's things in the air in there, tiny things." So many, _swirling_ in a secretive dance, whispering stories, memories, drawing from my mind, my _sticky, hazy mind. _

Tries to push out, particles giggle in ear, _**simply a game. **_

"Who's this then?"

Sharp. Prickly. Stubble on the face, run your hand on it the wrong way, get burned.

**_No harm._**

"Look at me. What's your story love?"

Particles whirl around figure, obscuring him. Can't see, can't see!

"She's just a passenger." Scared, wary, afraid to pull the trigger.

"Yeah? Why ain't she talking? She got a secret?"

Simon talks, intervenes. Particles suddenly vanish, pull away the fog, crystal clear. Know what to do, not hard to figure out.

"Sure, I got a secret. More'n one." I look him in the eye, see his mind clear as can be, exposed for all to read. Like a book, open pages. Mystery, he likes it. _Be a mystery. _"Don't seem likely I'd tell them to you, do it? Anyone off Dyton colony knows better'n talk to strangers."

Poke fun at him. Simple and easy, _pious. _Walk closer, feel his anxiety, his _**greedy, malicious want. **_Delicately stroke the flamingo pin, Earth-That-Was bird.

"You're talking loud enough for the both of us thought, ain't you? I've known a dozen like you. Skipped off home early," _Easy, hitchhike with a lonely, young woman. Free of charge. _"Minor graft jobs here and there." _Simple to work way to top of the gang; gain respect by doing the jobs for the rest. _"Spent some time in the lock-down, but less than you claim." _Says three years, only spent three months. Petty theft and robbery. Not armed. Just stupid. _"Now you're what, petty thief with delusions standing?" _Jab into the heart, make him wonder why. _"Sad little king of a sad little hill."

_**Insane. No way. Everyway. I know it. He knows it. **_

"Nice to see someone off the old homestead." Says with a smile, trying to ward off the unsettling effect I have put on him, the spell with my words, the words that are right.

"Not really." his mind reels back, stunned. Job is done. Particles begin flickering in, teasing at the edges. "Call me f'anyone interesting shows up." Directs to Simon, quickly leaves, walking around the corner, before…

_They bombard! _**Nipping **at my mind, little blue icicles they form, stabbing into the mind, _**two by two, hands of blue. **_

Drops to floor, metal ringing, hands protest, _she doesn't feel_. Crawls into room, must hide, _**must hide. **_

Into a corner, back to the wall, _instinct, like an animal. _Clench head with hands, ward off the icicles.

_**Must have hope. Must have hope.**_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: NOW! I have gotten a few reviews for this story, but I really do like hearing how the readers react to my version of River's mind, so please, leave a review :) Thanks for reading! <strong>


	5. Safe

"NO! No! I don't want to go in there!"

_**Sit, hide, cover in fear. **_No tests, no tests, no GORRAM TESTS! Pointy, sharp, shiny, _hatred. _

Done, all done!

"It's okay."

"It's not okay!" _Why can't he see? Boob of a brother, GORRAMIT SEE! _"You can't just dig into me, shove pointed needles in my eyes and ask me what I see!"

They did. They asked, they _**asked. **_They never stopped asking, not when the screams started, not when there was blood pooling along the ground, not when three of their members were _silenced _due to the same body they were mutilating. _**They never **__**stopped asking! **_

"Okay, we won't go in." Moves to doors, slams them shut, unhappiness, the **undying urge **to _fix _what is broken, what can _**never **_be fixed. "Look. No test today."

"No rutting test."

Pink, flowery pink, way too much pink frolics in front of my eyes, stinging them with brightness. All _his _fault. Mal, bad, _**in Latin. **_"Stupid son of a bitch dressed me up like a gorram doll."

Hate dolls. Always have. Beady eyes, watching, waiting, holding all your secrets, then gone, child's play, _**gone to the wind. **_

"No tests. No shots. Come on. I'm just going to give you a smoother-"

_No! Sensed _his urgency to **control, **no, no NO! No more gorram, rutting control! She is DONE being controlled by EVERYONE! Hands reach out, fling the red, the _dreaded red box _away, shattering against the wall, gratification, before _**he **_appears.

"Not him." Growls, flows from mouth. Annoyance washes through me, the River. "Liou coe shway duh biao-tze huh hoe-tze duh bun ur-tze." _Simon _reaches out, no, no, _**no comfort. Only myself. **_

"So, she's added cussing and hurling things to her repertoire." _**He **_says. "She really is a prodigy."

_The smartest people in the worlds are often the craziest. _

"It's just a bad day."

_Everyday is a bad day. _

More speaking, arbitrary.

"As soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed, although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't."

Aimed at me. Must respond. Natural, _flowing…_

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems."

"See morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with. Long as she does it quiet-like."

_**Always quiet. No babbling brook, just a quiet River.**_

* * *

><p>The air, refreshing to my skin, a soft breeze moving the ethereal gatherings of crystallized water droplets across the sky, the sun bright and loving, making my eyes squint harshly. As I walked along the ground, <em>soft sadness <em>drifted in me that I could no longer _**hear **_through the ground due to the collection of leather and buckles strapped to my feet.

My hands trailed along the smooth metal rails, grasping them tightly before coming to a stop in front of the large bos primigenuis, big brown eyes staring into my own.

Slowly, I sunk to the ground, feeling the dirt radiate heat into my hands, along my skin, whispering the secrets of people long passed, of happenings that occurred long ago…

_**Of the deceit and fright that lurked in the hills. **_

I shook my head, letting the discouraging and scary thoughts leave through my ears, focusing on the large cattle that plopped down in front of me, always chewing on its cud, a never ending repetitive process.

It remembers now, what it has become, what it is. It sees the very sky that my skin drinks in, that my soul remembers. It has a small soul, simple, _**instinctual. **_No _outside influences _can deter its straightforward path in life.

"Little soul big world. Eat and sleep and eat…Many souls." I whisper, feeling the herd sweep through me, their focused lives giving my own focus, letting me feel their very _life. _Their existence, a simple one. I wish…

"Cattle on the ship three weeks, she don't go near them. Suddenly, we're on Jiangyin and she's got a driving need to commune with the beasts?"

_Mal, bad _speaks, rhetorical question, but his mind questioning, concerned, worrisome. Mother hen, clucking over flock.

I stand, dirt coming off my legs and falling to the ground, dress folds encasing me, Kaylee's shawl protecting me from the cool breeze and harsh sun.

Must tell him what they think.

"They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky and remember what they are."

I too see sky. My hands wrap once more around the cool metal, my gaze turning to the pristine blue above me. Trying to remind me who I am.

_**But who is that? **_

I will never know. Darkness lurks inside, crouching, waiting to strike on the ones who don't expect it. I don't know what it will do to me, to release this darkness I know that _**they **_instilled inside, cutting, needles, pricking, _pain. _

Ignore. She ignores it, focuses on the surrounding life, the _ever steady lakes of strength, _the cattle feeding the River saneness.

"Come on, let's get you clear of the works." Mother hen says, moving closer. Flinch away, too many conflicting influences inside. Do not want.

Simon appears, _calm _and _worry _all I hear. No worry, don't want, focus on the herd. Easy lives, little purpose. Easy.

Discussion nearby, no interest. The sun reflects off of my hair, I gently raise it to eyelevel, staring at the multitude of strands, all in a tangled mess.

_Unruly, unraveled, just like my mind. _

"River?" My eyes look up, peer into Simon's. He looks frazzled as the ends of the pink sweater. "We are going to go into town, just for a change of scenery, alright?"

Confusion wafts in me at his utter and helpless concern, but I nod, letting him take my hand and lead me along the shoddy dirt path that leads into town. As we reach a fork in the road, he starts to go down the **wrong **pathway. Pull his hand back, point down the other half. More confusion and concern flow through me, but I stretch out, reach for the _**memories, whispers **_that echo from the dirt. We start in the right direction, emerging in a little town, the dirt covering all. It whispers songs to me, telling me the secrets the residents harbor, the _evil _that lurks behind every smiling face.

I _hear _the soft sunshine of Kaylee, smudged with oil that sings with life, Inara with her painted face, hiding the _pain and longing _behind a carefully crafted exterior.

They talk, discussing with Simon as we waltz into the store. Dirt calls, singing loudly to me, a large stick with metal attached to the end, whispering stories to me, singing the future in my mind. Fingers glaze over it, shocked by the image of burning body tied to it.

"Don't touch that, it's dirty and sharp."

Sharp like Simon. Pert, too concerned. Won't break anything, already broken cannot break no more. Fusses, now the mother hen. I am not a chick to be babied.

Tense words are spoken, can feel Kaylee's stinging. She won't let herself show anything less than happiness, but then I _**hear **_it. The whispering of the dirt in the air carries the song, crystal clear, ringing in the air.

_**Music. **_

Leaving the stinging remarks, sharp response, following the dirt to the music, so beautiful it stings my eyes, filling me with conflicting emotions of sadness, happiness, and urges I have not felt in _years. _

Emerge. A butterfly from a cocoon. A crowd of people stands around a stage, rudimentary to the ones I have performed on in the past, but much, much more _classic, __**opening, welcoming. **_

_**Home. **_

Pulled onto stage by words, the song, _indescribable happiness, _as the collaboration of instruments, beating feet, clapping hands whirls through me, uplifts me, enters through every pore, exits with the darkness, leaving me with nothing but light, light and music.

_**The music takes me away, carrying me on its rhythm, my limbs moving on their own accord, the emotions around me filling me with lightness, full of life, nothing but hope. **_

The music inside stops, echoing harshly, cacophonous. _Harsh, _and…

Pain, nothing but **pain **fills my chest, clutch, stop spinning, the world stopping around me, _**CAUGHT!**_

Nabbed, gone, no longer can sense nearby, fear filling, so much fear, runs away, gone, gone, GONE!

* * *

><p>Feet stumble, catch on roots. Memories well up, hide and go seek. Seeking my brother, my Simon. Must find, imperative!<p>

_Hear _him complaining, rush after, _**peek **_around a tree, spy big brother.

"Found you." Your turn!

"River! River, no! Run, RUN!"

Confusion, don't know. Game's over, I found him and two others, Simon's turn…his turn…

"Found you?"

Breaks free, _struggle, _pushes me away, concern, _**wanting **_flowing from my wrists where his skin touches mine.

"Found you!"

_**Confusion **_wells inside, stemming from me, it _hurts _being shoved away, put aside, _not the perfect, easy child to teach. She already knew too much, was too wild, too unpredictable for formal occasions. Hide away. _

_**Hide away. **_

"Bring her." Cruel words spoken from an honest kidnapper's mouth, _simplicity. _Hands wrap around arm, _**shackles. Manacles. **_

"They will come for us." _Simon _whispers beside. False hope, can _feel _it in his soul, trying to keep me sane, keep me light.

_**She knows more than she should. **_

Hear, _feel _the rumble of start up engines, watch as Mother swoops off, exploding into the atmosphere, a brilliant display in more hopeful times.

_There is no hope. _

"No one's coming for you. You just keep moving."

Thrust hand into back, shoves forward. Stumbles slightly, feet automatically finding grip on the ground, center of balance recalculating self, easily rights her, _my, _body. Upright, show no fear. **Hardwired **into brain.

Continue along, can _feel _the people, a conglomeration of minds, a simple cluster, _gathering _in a clearing, _**home. **_

Simple life, focus on. Flit from overjoyed mind to overjoyed mind, stay on too long, becomes _**insanity, **_too much, too much being read. Unkind to delve into lives of others, _not for me. _No omnipotence here, simply a River. Flowing, ebbing between minds, always moving, always moving.

Follow into the heart of the small town of kidnappers, _Simon, _continuous stream of sickness and injury, feel each one in my very bones, _**echoes **__rippling _through me, **uneasy. **

Stops.

Focuses, latching onto the _world, _the cows, the birds, the very ground beneath my shoes, beneath my feet.

Centered.

"What's your name?"

"Simon!" Energetic, feeling fine, center, focus on simple minds, no purpose besides being here, being _alive, _**to live. **

**I feel alive. **

_**Focused.**_

_Thank you cows. Primeval minds bring about a center of rotation. _

A cough startles me, brings me about, circular rotation. I know how to fix them, I know how to help. My feet begin to move in their direction, _sickness_ washing over my mind, struggling to keep it out, my body **begins **shaking wildly. _Simon _grasps my arms, leads me away, _shows me off like a dog. _

I sit delicately, stretching out, brushing their minds, pushing aside the sickness, traveling into their lives, _**memories **_encircling, too much, begins to drown, must. Stay. Afloat.

Latch onto a simple mind. Young, _no longer innocent. Seen too much, knows too much. _

Speaks nothing.

Easy and simple. Becomes a leech, sucking the very life from her, staying afloat in the sea of consciousnesses.

The buoy fails, I _feel _myself slipping, **slipping**…

Stand up in haste, wander towards the door, old, creaky, fragile wood that has seen too many storms bending beneath my touch, splintering before swinging open upon worn out hinges…

_Worn out. _

_**Just like me. Too much of EVERYTHING around, must focus, must center, must, must, MUST.**_

My feet take me, carry me away, towards the edge of the sickness's land, _bodies beneath my feet. Blood drips from every angle, bruising, swelling, the crunching of bones under my fist, my foot. Feels good to just let it all go. _

Shivers, sinks to the hard packed ground, hands shakily grasping at hair, the serpentine tangles ensnaring fingers, **Medusa. **Turned men to stone with one glance.

"God, make me a stone."

Whisper, barely a breath, wants to sink below the torrent of unimaginable thoughts, **emotions, **_**cruel memories and moments. **_

_**All around me, all around everything. **_

Gentle hands grasp shoulders, breath fills lungs and I am hauled to my feet, lead gently to the house, _Simon _washing over me, center, center, center.

"Go sit over there now."

_Obey. _Simple, easy task. Feet carry me towards the girl, the one with the **simple **mind, in no way calm. Gracefully, buttocks find a seat, leg folding under self in a safe way, needing protection, _afraid…_

Her eyes, her bright blue eyes looked deep into the River, who was immersed inside the ocean of memories. The sea…

_**Watched the large woman, drunk and insane, arms flinging around as she scowled above the younger girl, her own daughter. She looked the same as Ruby, was just younger. **_

_**River felt the fear Ruby had as the mother bent down to the pair of girls and reached for the younger, grasping her by the hair and yanking her to her feet before shoving her across the kitchen, her head banging loudly on the counter, falling to the floor in a heap. **_

_**No movements. **_

_**Ruby opened her mouth to scream as her mother turned around and looked at her, but Ruby found her mouth wouldn't make a sound. Quickly, she stood, scurrying past her mother, who managed to grasp some hair. Ruby stumbled as the chunk was ripped out of her head, but she kept going, pushing open the door and rushing outside, into the woods…**_

I yanked myself out of the memory and took a deep breath, shuddering within my chest. I looked the little girl in the eye, one who was just as traumatized as I was. Perhaps not in the same way, but broken all the same.

"Ruby, do you want to go outside?" I whispered towards the little girl. She looked at me, but I _**felt **_the pleasure that someone wasn't treating her as broken.

Takes one to know one.

She nodded, and grabbed my hand. I almost let go, sinking among the memories and emotions ebbing through the small girl, but instead, I latched on to it, using them to block out the extraneous sounds, holding on.

Barely holding on.

Quickly, I spared a glance upwards to see if _Simon _or the woman were watching. I slipped out the door, the little red Ruby following, her grip on my hand releasing as she ran off into the distance, her mind full of happiness as she skipped around, twirling, dancing…

_How I miss dancing. _

I let myself swing my leg up, spinning on my toes for a moment, before my gaze caught sight of them, the berries. They were nestled in a shadow, underneath a grove of trees, but the familiar Hodgeberries. _Camberson's…_

Reached over towards the bush, began picking out of habit, _Simon. _Place in dress, sky grows darker, the night growing near. I started the walk back to the sick house, _not advanced enough to be allowed to be called a hospital,_ letting the feeling of the berries in my dress be my _anchor. _

"River." _Simon. _His worry washed over me, but I brushed it off, knowing the berries would be a helpful thing for him, making him happy, the first times in many as of late.

"River, don't…what is that?" _Confusion _wafted over him, and I smiled.

"For you." I motioned, holding out the hem of my dress, _feeling _his confusion turn to gratitude, _**sister moving along towards normalcy. **_

"Oh." _Surprise. _

"I picked them." I feel myself smiling, _the first real one in a while. _Felt good to smile, **for once. **

"Here, you'll stain your dress." _Simon _says, kneeling, _bowing before his ruler, _and I let the berries fall into the wooden bowl, falling, gently, a long way down to the bottom…

"You have to eat." I said, gently scooping some up and placing in my blood brother's mouth, his hands being full with the bowl.

"Hodgeberries." He smiles, stands gracefully. I _hear _the memories floating over us, laughter, enjoyment, _**the taste of freedom, innocence. **_"Do you remember when we gound those giant Hodgeberry bushes on the Camberson's estate? We thought they grown wild but…" He trails, sentence never ending, hanging in the air. "Long while ago."

_All my fault. Could still be there. _

"I took you away from there." I whisper, looking into his eyes. Sharp, like a scalpel.

"No, no…"

"I know I did. You don't think I do, but…" _I know I did. I did, no way around it. Explain, so hard, no words to capture it, up in the air. _"I get confused. I remember everything. I remember too much and some of it's made up, and some of it can't be quantified, and there's secrets and…" I trail off, the _**confusion **_threatening to well up inside, anchor, **anchor. **

"It's okay." Ge ge whispers, and I look at him, _absolute gratitude. _

"But I understand. You gave up everything you had to find me, and you found me broken and it's hard for you, you gave up everything you had…"

_He interjects, refutes. _"Mei-mei, everything I have is right here."

_Love. Unknown concept anymore. She can feel it everywhere, all around. _

_**Change of subject needed. **_

"You have to eat, keep up your strength. We won't be here long. Daddy will come and take us home. And I'll get better."

His doubtfulness _stings _like a wasp, _biting _into my brainpan. "I'll get better!" I say, trying, **so hard** to convince.

_Simon _sits, munching on another berry. I hear it through me, try to _focus, __**center. **_

"These are better than the Camberson's berries." He says, changing the subject.

"They are." _Humor a necessity. _"'Cept they're poison."

Fright sears through the doctor, automatic reaction to spit, and I let loose a bellow, first in a while. Brother and sister.

"He believed her, made a face."

"You are such a brat." The boob says, smiling, _happy. _

"You get to bed now." I look, my eyes drawn to the Ruby, her face turning red, her _namesake. _

Out of nowhere, _mouth vomit _explodes, words pouring out, no way to stop. "Her sister got killed. Mother wet crazy, killed the sister. That one lived."

_Excitement __**radiates **_off of the woman, carrying me around, confusing me. "Sweetheart you are an angel! No one's been able to get Ruby to speak even a peep! It's a miracle, that's what it is!"

"Ruby doesn't talk. Her voice got scared away." I said, trying to make a point, _she doesn't talk. __**Too much fear. Mother will hear. **_

"I…I don't understand…if Ruby didn't talk…"

"My sister is…She's very good at…" Doesn't know, _can't comprehend. _Can't explain, can't defend.

Daddy will come.

"Thou shall not suffer a witch to live!"

She leaves, in a whirl, angry, anger and fear, _fright _flowing, _**scared. **_Brother leaves, I feel myself follow, trying, so hard, not to slip into the _**fright…**_

Outside, so much _**agony, annoyance **_with the bell, clanging in my mind, _so much loudness. _Slipping…

"You're not a witch are you nyen ching-duh? I'm the Patron here, do you know what that means?

Genius, of course I know. "Yes. You're in charge. Ever since the old Patron died…"

_The dirt whispered the secrets, told me to peek. _

"That's right."

**Cruel, cruel man. **"He was sick. He was getting better. You were alone in the room with him."

_FELT _the crack before it came, **FIRE **on my cheek. Pain, agony, _**so much hate…**_

"This girl reads mine and spins falsehoods! She is a witch and we must purge the devil from her, with fire!"

Men, strange men, grab me from behind, _**cruel, TAINTED **_thoughts flowing through me, evil! So much, so much. Get away, must try!

Doesn't help, struggling doesn't. Yank me to the post, my hands tied behind me. I lean back, letting the _earth, _Mother Nature's night pull around me, fill me up with light. Oxymoronic in a way, gaining light from dark.

Sharp! Punch! _Simon. _

He looks at me from the stage, _put up for all to see. _

"Post holder. Digging holes for posts." I whisper, thinking of the day, events unfolding in my mind, _everything, _clear as day, every speck of dirt. _Life as we know it. _It's the simple things that matter. Love…_such a hazy concept. _

Brother, DNA and blood relative, stands up, wraps his arms around me. Loves his sister. I _feel _it. Know he would do anything to protect me. _That is love. _

"Light it." He says, strong and clear, just like his conviction.

Familiar minds brush mine, a gentle sweep, _Daddy, _Baba. Come to bring us home from a late night out.

"Time to go." My eyes slip shut as the updraft from _Serenity's _engine's wash over me, dirt flying up. Surprise washes from everything, along with fear as Jayne poises, a cobra in the cargo hold. He is a mixture of emotions, a puzzle of mystery…

Father has come to take us home.

"The girl is a witch!"

"Yeah, but she's our witch." Baba raises his gun, aims at the heart. If he pulled the trigger, the man would instantly die. Independent has good practice, good aim. "So cut her the hell down."

* * *

><p><em>Simon <em>takes me, walks me through the halls, used to have scratching rats, now full of light, brightened and sunny, _beach. _

Guides me to the dinner table, raucous laughter enlightening me, uplifting. Keeping me afloat along the torrent of memories, emotions, _raw material_, keeping me above it all. Family is my raft, barely keeping my head above the torrential swirls below.

I feel more alive than I have in a long while. Feel centered, even, mostly balanced, leaning on the edge of the fence, could fall at any moment.

But I will balance on the edge and embrace the _love. _

Teasing, ready to tease. Sister like, steals Jayne bread. He groans, but I feel, sense the enjoyment radiate off of him. I smile, loving it.

_**Loving everything. **_

She feels it now, the River knows the way of love.

And it's a gorram good emotion to know.


	6. Our Mrs Reynolds

"This is Zoë. We need all personnel in the cargo bay."

Wafts into my mind, my consciousness, _gently __**plucking **_me from hazy dreams, _nightmares _galloping throughout my mind, mixing with the _craziness _of everyday life.

Feet gently lift up, falling over the side of the bed, every **miniscule **action feeling like a _lifetime. _Grudgingly, my nerves follow my instructions, fighting through the haze the _**chemical cocktail **_placed me under. Like a spell, from the witches, **wizards. **

A giggle escaped my lips at my muddled thoughts, as I trudged into the cargo bay, my bare feet gripping the _coldness_, holding me together, **Mother **breathing through me, pulsating heart a soothing beat, _healing _my utterly aching brain.

A thousand thoughts bombarded the River as she took in the visage of the woman, **stranger****.**Don't talk to strangers. Bad. Trouble.

_Thoughts, memories _washed through the River, making her, me, _**it, **_uncertain, _unfocused. _Too much, too much! Too many emotions, _raw feelings, __**too much! **_

Her gaze, her hardened, FAKE, gaze floundered around, _washing _over me, **not seeing. **My body, unresponsive as it was before, decided to _flinch _at her eyes, the _**coldness, evil, manipulation **__hiding behind them. _

Why can't they see?

Mal's, _**bad, **_new wife is not what she seems.

Open mouth to speak as crew disperses, nothing, _nothing _comes free.

"Girl, shut that trap before I fill it for you." Ape man says, brushing past, all muscle, all bite, _no brain. _

Perfectly illogical, every mammal has a brain, _gray lump _of tissue controlling every aspect of our lives. We only harness _10 _measly percentages of that mass.

_**Not me. Use more. Know it. **_

Eyelids drop close, the world going dark. **Kaylee, **bright light shining through, walks by, murmurs soft things and helps me back into room, into my bed. Drowsy, head drifts off into sleep, _back into the nightmares, letting them gallop through my mind…_

Eyes _pop _open, taking in surroundings, screams **fading **as nightmares vanish, their hooves echoing throughout the brainpan, muddling thoughts, _drifting away…_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Her. <strong>_

_She __**breathes **__of __lies __and __**deceit****,**_pure **manipulation **to reach her greedy ends of monetary and _sexually _tinged value. Reeks of malice and training, _simple _and _refined, _dressed up pretty before vanishing in the wind before graduation. Picks on easy prey, _plenty of money, plenty of hate. _

Holy man across the way, making up a room for _**her. **_Will not stand to have her greedy, yellow stained stench so near, makes me _**gag **_on the boldness of it all.

Must get rid of, must make them _SEE _with their hearts, not just the eyes! The eyes become pricked, full of needles,they must see clearly around! Open your gorram minds!

The River flows from her bed, stalking into the _**yet untainted **_room, ripping apart the bed, throwing sheets all over. The prick of _annoyance _and **acceptance **reaches her, clawing into her mind, filling her, mine, I, consciousness. Who cares? Who really gives a good gorram about anything in this life?

_Nobody. _

Quick plan, must make them see the **ABSURDITY. Baba **is NOT married, will not conceive with the devil woman like upper deities command. No commandments to follow, none at all with the malice-filled heart. NO. Absurd, absurd, MUST PROVE.

But still…

Unbidden emotion, _longing. _All have someone. Amazon woman and pilot, Captain Tight-Pants and Companion, Preacher and his God, Man-With-A-Girl's-Name and his weapons, brother and the mechanic…

_I'm alone. _

_Simon, _best option, best choice.

Hand snags the pillow, taking it with me, _mine. _Not hers, nowhere to rest her malicious head.

_Brother _seeps into mind, I glare eyes at him, daggers, **he is in my way. **

"Tzuh muh luh?"

"Seems River doesn't want me making up a bed for our young guest. Or she's starting a pillow collection. I'm still collecting data."

Pointless attempt at humor Preacher-man. Ge ge doesn't understand, only _sees_ what he _sees _with his mind, doesn't see with his _eyes, _with his _heart. _Overcalculating. A pain. A boob.

"I'm sorry, I'll take care of the room-"

Oh please!

"It's not important!" Escapes unbidden, _fun _plan unfolding. **Manipulative **as _**her, **_yet _twice as crazy, and quite _**bored. **Time for fun. "Tell him."

Confusion wafts through the air, _such a pleasant scent, smells like __**him **__before he died before the written word…_

"Tell him what?"

Turn, smile, _sweet and innocent. _

"We want you to marry us."

UTTER _confusion, _sweeps through me, **balloons **of helium, rising above the ocean, filling with too much lightheadedness. Quite pleasant, must continue.

"What? We-no! What?"

_**So much fun. Such an easy mark. **_

"Two by two. Everyone's a mate, a match, a dopple. I love you."

_Everyone has a match. Everyone, even blue, blue, wretched __**blue! NO, **_**refocus, **task at hand, _tease and joke, _**bring light to world. **

"No, River, mei-mei, of course I love you too, but we can't be married." Duh, boob. Feel brotherly affection, it flows into _everything, _screws up _everything. _"She's really crazy."

_**Well ouch. **_

Time to hurt back, foot _snaps _like a whip, cracks into shinbone, weak point in leg, hurts like a gorram bitch.

"OW!" _Good. _"I don't mean crazy-that's just not something brothers and sisters do. I mean on some planets, but only pretty bad ones."

"The Captain took a wife…"

_Strange, __**foreign **_longing floats up through the undercurrent, layering on the top.

Never had anyone special.

_Never. _

"Well, that's also complicated." Preacher-man tries to explain, _make the peace like the symbol says, _doesn't work, the urge to tease still **filling the River. **

"I don't know where this is coming from." _Simon, _so **blind **to everything around him. Never sees.

"We'll take care of each other! I'll knit!" _exasperation. _"You don't love me."

**Father **enters, **malice **trailing behind. All urge to tease _flies _out of the window, abandoned like I was…

"What's going on?" Captain **DEMANDS** to know _everything. Like _usual.

"I really couldn't say." _Confusion, _**concern. **No more fun emanates from that, helium balloons die down, their strings choking up the River, clogging the rapids that threaten to overflow with the constant _addition _of new insights. New buoy, **need one. **

_Easy mind, _nothing but **manipulation, **latches on, feeds off of focus, _feels guilt, __**washes **__away, River tries to become clean. _

"I was gonna show Saffron-" _Alias. _"to her quarters, did they get squared away?"

"Once upon a time…" _There was a girl who waltzed in, __**stole **__a pillow, and began __**talking **__of marrying her brother. The END._

"I don't need anything, I'm really just fine-"

"You're a thief." _Stealing ships, stealing virtue, __**payment is lies and death. **_Also stealing hard earned food, _so stupid, _just **ask and you shall receive. **

"Well ho, let's play nice here." _No. _"Your sister's got some funny notions."

"That's not untrue." _Glares at. __**Ouch. **_Deserves a kick in the shin again.

"I'm sorry…"

_Liar, liar, pants on fire. __**If you wish it, it shall be done. **_**Oh God, please set her skirt on fire, let them ****see****…**

_Won't happen. _I know it won't happen, would end up _killing _us all anyway, if she spontaneously burst into flames, we all would too being so close, **I don't want to die. **

Distraction, keep her **distracted, **_pillow finds itself nestled against skin, _rough yet soft, rubbing against smooth stomach. _Jabbering ensues._

"I didn't know she saw me."

"Didn't see you…" _Never _**see **_anyone. Only __sees__ them. _

Exeunt, end of the show. Presences drift away, carried away on the eddy currents, _flowing _in the direction it takes them, **all away. **

Must. Finish. Joke.

**Take concern off of **_Simon's _**mind. **

"Now we must be married. I'm in the family way."

_Can't think of a response, I have won. _**Point.**

"River, take that pillow out from under your shirt, I need to give you your medication."

_**Jokes **__become _**balloons, **floating away, out of sight, water turning dark. Pillow falls to the ground, _thump, _landing on bare toes.

"No, no, no more needles." Shivers, _shakes, _retreats to couch, curling up in corner, **away, away, AWAY. **Everyone has a pair…two by two, hands of blue. So much **blue **in _**her, **_cold life, cold lies, **sharp, calculating. **

"No!" Shrieks, tries to escape, his arms, gentle, wrap around, _darkness…_

_Nightmares gallop throughout, vanish as a white horse emerges, knight in armor, __**gross, **__can save myself, __**but all is right. **_

No more pain tonight.

_**No more pain tonight.**_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: You guys know how it goes! Leave me a review and much love will go your way! :) I want to hear your thoughts on River's thoughts and whether or not you believe I have done a decent job or not :) The next upcoming episodes (besides Out of Gas) have a lot of River involved, so I'm excited to see your guy's reactions! :D <strong>


	7. Jaynestown

_Should be able to keep my eye on a flock of one…_

Thought vanishes, gone with the wind, **all traces VANISHED, **in the night, the needles, _**gone! **_**LEFT! **Then back! Again! No warning, all surprise, _in the dark…_

Stop.

Control.

Deep breath, _utter stink _goes in through nasal canal, tickling the receptors in the nose, making it crinkle with distaste. Inhale, exhale, when focused with thought, it makes everything easier, _centered, _found my center of balance. Easy to stand on one foot as long as the center of balance is in the **optimal **place, even easy to balance on one hand, a few _fingers _given the optimal strength and positioning.

_I need something to do. _

The River carefully **flows **from the cargo bay, _illegitimate dealings _going on outside, the Preacher-man watching intently, **old deals running, **galloping, through his mind, **blaring **his old Alliance ties to the world…if only they would _listen. _May be Alliance, but no longer, not for _years. _Vanished with **her…**

_**I need something to do. **_

**She**me_I_ floats gently, _a river doesn't float, _from the cargo bay, feet stepping lightly, **no sound, **just like training. Sound equals pain…NO, no thoughts. No thinking of that, focus, _find _something to do.

She flows into the rooms, where I stay, where she stays sometimes, **evil **lurking in the dark…_Not my room, _don't care. Need variety to keep entertained. Same with everyone, _everything. _Variety to keep the mind engaged, or repetition to keep the thoughts flowing freely, **new thoughts, new images **emerging.

_I _do not need repetition. Too much thinking leads to **evil thoughts, **evil minds. Too much _blue…_

Fingers snag on something on the counter. My eyes turn down, seeing his _symbol. _Curiosity envelopes. Fingers wrap around the small book, _Book's book, _smile uplifting corners of the mouth. Humor, no matter how _faint, _is always appreciated in the mind of haze.

Glides from the room, fingers wrapped tightly around the book. I softly waltz up the stairs, kissing the air, for it is my date, _my good-smelling _date. Doesn't **reek **of outside, processed air metal-tinged but tasteful. Not covered in mud. _Which is very good. _

Her dance stops in the yellow room, **dining room, **family place. Curiosity continues killing the cats, their yowls and caterwauls cutting off as all nine lives vanish. Whomever came up with cats having nine lives is ridiculous. If I cannot, they cannot, simple as can be.

_**Back to reality. **_

Fingers slide between thin pages, opening the book, Book's book, to the first page, the first _Bible chapter, _if memory serves correctly. Cannot always tell what is **real **and what is false.

Eyes skim over the words, absorbing _everything, _rejecting _everything. _Something cannot be created from nothing, has to be something THERE beforehand, no, incorrect, _must be fixed…_

Hands of the girl who cannot be fixed flashed out, **grabbing **a red pen, _opposite of blue, __**two by two, **_scribbling over the page, fix, must fix.

_Page is silly, fallacious. _

_**Rip. **_

Lovely sound, wonderful sound, tearing of the pages. As it drifts lazily down to the wooden table top, _I feel. _I feel a piece of myself be peeled away, _drifting down _lazily into the abyss, never to be seen again.

**Don't know **if it was a **good **or _bad_ layer that just fell. But it did, and it felt _good. _

_**Rip. **_

Add to pile, yet another layer coming off. No need to take out pages, just feels _fantastic. _Like the kisses of the stars, the _sounds _of the happiness of **Kaylee, **the _taste _of the ship, _Mother Serenity_ with us in her warm embrace. Wonderful.

Preacher man walks in, full of _heavy _thought, weighing down on me, **pressing **on all sides, so much _**pressure, **_weights of memories years past, still _haunting._

"What are you up to River?" He asks, wandering by, grabbing some food.

_Weighs _possible options. Could _**lie, **_but Bible doesn't approve. _Could falsify, _different name, yet same as lying.

"Fixing your Bible."

"I-um-" _Realization, _**confusion, **filters in, punctuated by _almost-not-quite _disbelief. "What?"

"Bible's broken. Contradictions, faulty logistics…" Trails off, scribbling over a verse, _pointless. _Red ink trails from pen, **thick **trail…

"No, no…" He **sits **next to me, _all aflutter _with confusion and unhappiness, _but I feel good. _

"So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven, important number, prime number, one goes into the house of eleven eleven times but always comes out one-"

_She rambles, _**he interjects. Try and see ****reason. **Non existent.

"River-"

_Keep talking, keep sane. _**No thought needed. **

"Noah's Ark is a problem." Simple, straightforward. _**No beating around the bush. **_

"Really."

"We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat." _Smiles, _**duh. **

_**Rip.**_

Layer falls away, _gives way to anger. _

"Gimme that!" _Unhappiness _rushes into the River, **pulling her down. **Bible vanishes from before me/her, gone into his grip, _his embrace. _

"You don't fix the Bible, River."

_What? _Incoherent **babbling, **too much contradiction…

"It's broken. It doesn't make sense." _**Try to make him see sense. **_

"It's not about making sense. It's about believing in something and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you."

_**Fixes me. **_**Talking sense into me, **_trying. _But _**nothing can fix broken glass once it shatters. **_

_Feel _what he is about to do, fingers **wrap **around the pages as he yanks, I yank, _tug of war, _he relents, I win.

I always win.

"Why don't you keep those then?" _Walks _away slowly, muttering to himself in his **brain. **The River flows up the mountain, standing with _fluid _grace, letting the **feelings **of the outside world _come _into her, gently lapping against the rocky, _**jagged **_sides, _trying _in vain to smooth them.

_**Takes long time for the rock to smooth out, thousands of years as sediment pounds away against it, throwing all their might at the powerful rocks. **_

The pages _fluttered _softly in the wind, **no wind, what am I ****saying****,** the _air that was being circulated through the room via air processors _caused the pages to flutter gently. Fingers reached around, **spreading **the mutilated pages around, the thin parchment fragile. Eyes **danced **across the words, _soaking in, _a **sponge, **before glancing away, _nonsensical. _

They made no sense all spread out. No connection, **no family bonds **keeping the pages tightly knit, _no binding _casting them together. _He _was my binding to these people, _the glue _holding the fluttering pages together so they wouldn't escape, keeping them **tight, **yet when the book was open, _uncontrolled. _Book was closed, _**it opened on its own. **_**Nightmares **_**flash **_through closed pages, forcing open the book with pounding hooves, creating _word vomit. _

A page was **yanked **off the table, floating down to the floor lazily, _**all alone. **__No other pages went with. _

She looked at it, intently, before my body bent over, _**tilted **_on its **axis, **pulling the words off of the floor, _words shouldn't be stepped on. _

Placed among the others, **hands **drifting over the words, _trying _to fix the bond, **recreate. **My/her/its mind could _connect _with made up words, **stories and notions **rushing out, a thousand all at once, _but they didn't recreate the faith. _

Yes, the story is broken, makes no sense, **broken. **But not to him. Book's book _means _something **strong, **tastes like evergreen, a _**powerful **_meaning to him…

_**Pulled him out of that evil place, protected and brought meaning. **_

_**Redemption. **_

Decisions _washed _through the River, but only **one **really stuck, catching on the rocks, _slipping _up the banks, cementing into it.

Slowly hands collected the pages, _**raking leaves in the fall, so many to jump in…**_Gathering them into a gentle pile. Stood, flowing, _numbers _ticking through the mind. Been sitting for approximately one hour, fifty five minutes, and thirty eight seconds. Long enough for him to _forgive but not forget. _

Mind expands, _**enveloping **_the banks, _reaching _out past the rocks and going outwards, finally settling upon the gentle _church, _the water retreating as quickly as it went, before the entity of the River stood, walking in the direction of the church.

As I walked towards his passenger dorm, _**not a passenger, but crew. All were. **_Apprehension _filled_ the waters, coloring them a **dark, **_murky _brown, mucking the banks with mud.

Here.

_Real water _splashes gently, **must be busy. **

_**Calm thyself. **_

Deep breath, deep breath, no need for stage fright. Performed by thyself in _three_ plays, **sixteen **ballets, and _ten _solos.

Can do this.

"Hello?"

"In here River." Called the voice, _nothing without a body. _

Eyes stayed rooted to the paper, _**heart rate **_sped up to an unacceptable amount. Why so afraid to perform?

_**They **_**made **me perform…

**Focus! Task at HAND.**

"I-I tore these our of your symbol, and they turned into paper, but I want to put them back so…" _Quiet, mousey. __**WHY?**_

"Sorry, what was that?"

_He stood, __**FLUID,**_ snow, SO MUCH PRESSURE, EXPANDED! EXPLOSION OF HIGH INTENSITY, RUN!

Must run, must run, **MUST RUN! Can't be hit by shrapnel from explosion! **Zoë, she can get hit, not me, not me! Run, run, FIND COVER!

Explosion, passed, now just too much, too much! Fingers find the hatch automatically, _seen _so many times in _**their **_eyes, yanked it open, _dust _flies out, clogs throat, need to hide from ultimate collapse. Do not want to be smushed! Family, _**we are linked, **_me to him, regardless of EXPLOSION, we are _connected. _His roof caves in, mine will lose support, slowly, slowly fall.

"River?"

"No, no, cannot cave in, too much danger. Caves in, then collapse, slowly. They say the snow on the roof is too heavy, they say the ceiling will cave in-His brains are in terrible danger-"

_Rambles, interjects._

"River, please, why don't you come out?"

"No, can't." _Bluntness works. __**No **__beating around the bush. _"Too much hair."

_Erupts _with amusement, _terror_ seeps into the River, afraid for a moment he might **cave **in, but realizes the roof is still overhead. Yet it may collapse!

"Is, is that it?" **Surprised, why? **WHY DON'T YOU SEE THE EXPLOSION AND PRESSURE?

"Hell yes Preacher. If I didn't have stuff to get done, I'd be in there with her!" Zoë, kind, quiet, _to my rescue. SAVE ME._

No collapse.

"It's the rules of my order. Like the book it symbolizes-"

"Yeah, uh-huh, River honey, he's putting the air away now."

_Optimism _FLOWS_ through, _but then I/she remembers that it will be lurking…waiting to explode again.

"Doesn't matter. It will still be there, waiting…"

_**Mal and Wash, **_walk in, drunk as a skunk, _what a stupid saying, skunks don't drink. _Carefully, silently, I retreat, the River pulling back, letting the banks be exposed, water ebbing in and out, _slowly…_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Rip. <strong>_

Faulty knowledge in this book, _totally _a false conclusion and very, very fallacious.

_**Rip. **_

Just plain _stupid. _

_**Rip. **_

_**Still feels good. **_

_**Rip.**_

Book's book comes by, _all taped up. _Ponders, wheels turning. Shakes the head.

"Just keep walking Preacher-man."

_Mouth snaps shut, _legs continue onwards.

_**Rip.**_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So this is Jaynestown! River doesn't play a huge part in this episode either unfortunately, nor does she in the next chapter, aka, Out Of Gas. However, after that we have Ariel, which is pretty much all River Tam. Whoopee! I cannot wait to get started writing on that one :) <strong>

**By the way, HAPPY HANNUKAH, MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY KWANNZA! To everyone out there, as well as HAPPY NEW YEARS! 2012 whoop whoop! **

**I would really appreciate hearing how you guys like my version of River-think. She is, obviously, the most difficult character to write from inside the mind, so I would like to hear your guy's ideas/criticisms/etc. Please and thank you! :) **


	8. Out of Gas

Laughter.

Happiness.

_**Pure enjoyment.**_

I reveled in the feelings, letting them fill the waters of the River, _ebbing _and _flowing _to the gentle current of familiar love, **a family. Saw** and **heard **Kaylee rise, sunshine, lighting candles on a thrown together cake. Panic muddied the River bank for a moment as the _reminder _slipped in. Hadn't gotten _Simon, _ge ge, anything for his twenty third birthday.

Happiness, _surprise _bubbled up in him as he saw the cake, Kaylee all sunshine, lit up from the fire…_**fire. **_

"Care to make the first incision Dr. Tam?" Kaylee asked, _lightness_ flowing through her, giving me a smile, **sunshine **reaching into the bottom parts of the shallow ends of the River. "Happy birthday Simon."

A **chorus **erupted around me, and I refused to speak, _didn't want to be lost among the waves again. _

"Well this is.. I didn't… How'd you know? River did you?"

_Panic and worry _seep in. Her, my, mouth opens, **words walking out unattended. **No filter. "Day is a vestigial mode of the measurement based on solar cycles. Not applicable." **Stop rambling gorramit. **"I didn't get you anything." Rushes out, **relief **flooding the waters, _understanding _blooming in _Simon. _He gives me a soft smile, squeezing my hand, all his _happy _feelings rushing into me, uplifting and bright.

But **worry **tickles my brain cells, rubbing against me with a smile, **telling **me not to worry, but can't help it anyway.

"Come on doc, give it a good blow." Bubbly Kaylee says, _sex smell _covering her, humor permeating as well. Simon goes abashed, **goes to blow out **_**fire, **_but worry, CONCERN explodes outward, _Serenity, burps, __**fire **_blooming inside. Worry fills everyone, Kaylee concerned, goes to walk, _Serenity isn't happy, must let go of the hurt, the __**pain **__curled inside, not enough love being shared…_

"Fire…" Can't help staring, knows what's to come, can't say anything else, **cannot help! **

_Serenity _lets lose! EXPLODES outright, belly **ERUPTING in her pain! **

Kaylee, then Zoë, then **all hell breaks lose, **_encased in the fire. _

"Fire! Fire!" She shrieks, curling up in the kitchen, _hiding _from the flare, **must keep still or it will kill. **_**Unbidden training, **_**unknown **memories leapt to the forefront of my mind, telling me to stay still as _emotions _crawled around, leaping all over the place, **frogs from lily pad to lily pad. **The frogs wouldn't keep still, making the surface of the River ripple continuously, _screwing _up reality and imaginary, concrete things and abstract life.

_**Fire **_escapes, leaving into nothingness, _why _it would chose a life of nothing is beyond comprehension. Everything is better than nothing, _feeling, _**knowing **_**everything **_is better than nothing at all, knowing nothing. No logic behind it…

_Everything _erupted at once, the frogs leaping on their respective pads multiple times, **disturbing **my mind. Hands gripped me, _**Kaylee **_drawing me up, pulling me along, _stumbling _down the stairs, landing on the couch, the **frogs **turning into alligators, biting at each other's throats, **shoving **each other against the wall, _anger _flourishing in the world, my hands flying up, gripping my head, _over the ears, _trying in vain to shut out the screaming, the **biting **of the agitated gators.

Eyes shot open, hands leaving ears, a **startled **scream shredding throat as the warrior's heart _**stopped**_. I screeched, a high wail. FIX HER! Chaos will reign without the warrior's stoic, humble, _controlled_ presence, _Serenity _will rip apart at the seams!

Phantom, sympathy **pain **shot out in my chest, felt the needle in the heart, pumping _life _back into it. Felt the relief, felt the _**pain…**_

Sunk back into the couch momentarily, fingers digging into the cushion, trying unsuccessfully to _center _self, to calm the ripples of her, my, its psyche.

Stood in a fluid motion, _disorientation _fluttering around, causing her to stumble into her room as _fright _ripped through her at the prospect of the oncoming **cold…**

She reached for the pile of haphazard clothes, scrabbling until I grasped a long sleeved sweater, pulling it on over my head, throwing on the _dreaded _boots, fingers stumbling as they tried to strap the buckles. I felt the Preacher's worried mind retreat into the room across the hall, the place he called _home. _

"Don't be afraid." I spoke, looking at him, judging whether or not the hair was tightly contained enough. Deciding it was, I continued. "That's what it says, don't be afraid."

"Yes." He agreed, but the **frog** continued to quiver and shake upon its lily pad, fear causing it to be paralyzed.

"But you are afraid." She pointed out. _Very obvious. _

"Yes."

**Boring answer. Time to delve deeper. **

I looked at the frog intently, letting its croaks tell me what was going on inside its mind.

"You're afraid we are going to run out of air. That we will die gasping." **Shock **and _agreement _rolled off of him. "But we won't. That won't happen." _Duh. Would take approximately 7 hours and 47 minutes to die of lack of oxygen, only 4 hours and 39 minutes before the cold makes the blood freeze and heart stop._

"We will freeze to death first."

**Shock **made the frog freeze again, the pad bobbing in the River. I daintly left the vicinity of the frog, letting him drift along the River until the ripples hardly bothered the surface. Felt a burst of **anger **in the dead mother's head, **Baba **and pilot exchanging words, before the stone stepped in, _cool head _in the face of certain disaster.

I sat down in the chair slowly, curling up around the arm of it as the temperature dropped minutely each minute, the net temperature declining a significant amount by the time the rest of my family was gathered around. Jayne, the **stone, **next to me, helping to _center _my mind with his coolness. He was running through a checklist in his mind, _weapons and supplies, _divvying them up among everyone equally, breathing long and slow, to conserve air. The simplicity of it all eased my mind, a large stepping stone stopping the annoying ripples the frogs caused.

"Well, as you're all keenly aware, seems we have run into a bit of a situation. Engine's down. Life support's on the fritz. And I got nine people in here all wanting to breathe. Could take turns I suppose." Failed humorous attempt. "But that doesn't really appear to be an option. Truth is, ain't got a whole lot of options at this juncture."

_Fear, _**sadness, **_**resignation, **_caused the River to turn murky, darkening the waters with shadows. She shivered, pulling herself a little closer to the stone, trying to have it block the unwelcome shadows.

"So now instead of focusing on what we don't got, time to talk about what it is we so. And what we got are two shuttles, short range. Won't go far. But they each got heat, and more importantly each got air. Last longer than what's left in Serenity."

Concern and _hope _stirred, sunlight breaking through the shadows, the frogs croaking a strange song.

"Long enough to reach someplace?" _Simon. _

"No."

"So, where will we go then?" _Preacher Man. _

"Far as you can get. We send both shuttles off in exact opposite directions, betters the chance of somebody being seen, maybe getting picked up." _False hope. _Sunlight vanishes, frogs go silent, **quivering in fright. **"Shepherd Book, Kaylee, and Jayne'll ride with Inara in her shuttle. Doc, you and your sister will go with Wash and Zoë, seeing as Zoë still needs some doctoring'."

"What about you?"

**Captain stays with the ship. Tradition. **

"Four people to a shuttle. That's the arrangement. Evens the odds. I'm staying with Serenity."

_Doesn't want to leave the love of his life, his __**home. **__First home ever since Shadow was destroyed, his __**original **__home going up in flames, all his family, gone. No place to go to call his own anymore. This is his home, his life, his __**world. **__Will not abandon her for anything, anyone. Never. _

**Baba **leaves. I stand, walking slowly into my room, hands trailing along the walls as emotions ran rampant through the waters of my soul, tainting her own feelings. Tears leapt unbidden to her eyes, but she shut them down, **not wanting to cry anymore. **

So much crying everyday, it stains the eyes, the mind, draining the waters.

Gathers few important objects in a cloth bag; a blanket, a sketch pad, pencils. Walks out of the room slowly, nearly running into _Simon. _He's **cold, **frightened, _alone. _Hand squeezes mine before he helps pilot load warrior onto the **cold **shuttle, not yet ready for liftoff. He warms up the shuttle, I tremble slightly as warm air brushes over chilled skin, _bumps _breaking out all over. Rub hands absentmindedly across the skin as I sit, coming in contact with a cold leather seat, skirt sliding awkwardly around across the surface.

"River, I…" _uncertainty _filters through the cloud of malevolent, uneasy emotions. Automatically **smiles, **knowing instinctively what to do. "River, do you think there is any way you could…keep an eye on Mal after we leave?" _Simon _asks quietly, low into my ear. I shiver, shrug. Ge ge doesn't even know what I can do, so how can I? He sighs, _sadness _flowing into me, him, _us. _Another theory, blown out the window.

"I'll try." I whisper to him, trying to keep spirits alive. Must keep watch over warrior in her never-ending sleep. Must keep her **alive. **Without the glue that keeps them together, _family would __**fall **__apart…_

Tears prick eyes at that stray thought rushing through the River, and she wipes them away furiously, struggling to keep sane.

The shuttle breaks away, and she immediately reaches out, _**EXPANDING **_the berth of the waters, encompassing everything around until there is nothing untouched. Gasps at the sheer, **emptiness** around…nothing but the stars. They focus, make the filled portions of the waters even brighter, easy to reel up, zoom in on.

As the distance grows stronger, **I**_me _tries to adjust the flow of the waters, trying to keep the fellow _**family**_ inside the rushing H20, but it doesn't work, they slowly fade away as they retreat from the water's touch. She **sinks** back down against the seat as Wash puts the shuttle on autopilot, making talk with _Simon _over Zoë's unresponsive form.

Tears flow from the River as she sits, unhappy. She has failed in watching over all, she has _**failed. **_

A string of seaweed gets snagged on a rock in the River, a stray thought bouncing up.

_If Zoë was awake, we would have never left. _

The seaweed breaks loose, continues along its path towards the waterfall in the distance, the **end **of it all. But its memory lingers in the River, changing the sad, murky waters into bright, focused ones. Ideas cause the sandy bottom to shift, making more ideas crop up, floating to the surface to be studied, rejected, **not enough like gold. **

Then it's found! The pebble of gold, _perfect idea. _She digests it before suddenly reeling back the flow of the River, pulling in on herself, directing all the potential and kinetic energy into one, single _**ATTACK.**_

Viciously, holding nothing back, the waters drenched Zoë, _cascading _over her dormant mind, **desperately **trying to splash conscious thought into it again. _They need her. _

Pouring all energy reserves behind it, the River continued the assault on Zoë's defenses, trying vainly to awaken her, to bring her _**home. **_

Felt her stirring, the comatose frog on its shared lily pad beginning to awaken. _Joy, __**hope, **_filtered in from the back of the shuttle as she stirred. But the River didn't give up, focusing **hard **on helping. Needed to keep the frogs together, their lily pads were interconnected, floating lazily along the River's surface, but with long roots connecting them to the bottom. Kept sane, kept **anchored. **

Suddenly, the dormant mind **EXPLODED **outward, a mass of shine and bright light peering into the depths of the waters, which retracted quickly, letting the frogs rejoice with their croaking. Slowly, she slipped into the back of the shuttle and collapsed on a bundle on the floor, drawing the blanket over and resting head upon the sack of _personal _items she had commandeered.

She was alright.

I was alright.

_**The family was going home to Mother. **_


	9. Ariel

_Simon _spoons out plain old **mush. **I crinkle my nose at the offending odor, appalled he believed I would eat something that smells so gross and has **no **consistency whatsoever. Hands the bowl over to me, and I feel myself shrivel under his _wants. _

"I don't want it." _Gag._

"River you have to eat. It's good. It tastes like-" Pause, chew, swallow. _Simon _blanches considerably, I can **taste **the horrendous mixture on his tongue. Makes me want it even less. "It's good!"

"Smells like crotch." Man-with-a-girl's name speaks up. More talking ensues as I sit, the wooden chair uncomfortable beneath me, so **used** to having Zoë's rear end sit in it, it is molded to her form. _I'm __**definitely **__not that curvy…_

Train of thought stops abruptly as my brain registers the shirt Jayne has on as he hacks onto his gun, _so unsanitary. _But that shirt…

**Blue Sun. **Blue, so much of it, _covers everything. _The River refuses to call herself blue, her waters do not reflect the blue sky above, **no**, she reflects the darkened night, or the hazy gray clouds, no blue in these waters. The color is all wrong for a man who has less coldness and less blue in him.

**He is a weapon, **used to shedding the blood, _red_, of those around him, coated in the **red** of anger or lust, no _harsh _blue, tainted colors oozing from his pores. He is unfit to be wearing blue if it does not seep from his very being.

I feel myself stand, eyes scanning, cataloguing everything to fix this drastic error. It does not compute, it is a flaw in the bigger picture, **it needs to be **_**fixed. **_Red food dye would be the most logical way to douse him in his natural color, but alas, poor kitchen doesn't even have _real _food, just this excuse of protein. Buh, I could create a much better tasting and much better _smelling, _and healthier mix, but no one lets the River near the stove for fear of her evaporating.

Hand closes around the grip of the knife, holds it loosely at her side as she stalks towards him, the one in the wrong color. No remorse as all the possible events that could happen play out in her head, ranging from little pain, to _nothingness. _**Hopes **the last doesn't happen, but it may, but alas, this **Must. Be. Fixed. **

_Slashes _the metal downward, _easily _cutting through the thin skin. Pain, **chaos** erupts all around, SMACK. Throws across the room, but alas, the **mistake **has been corrected, I have no qualms. The pain in the lip was to be expected, but easily fixed, wiped away with a towel.

"River?" Eyes roll internally. These people can be so _blind _sometimes, cannot see the everyday mistakes and corruptions of the space-time continuum that are right in front of them, so they **demand **an explanation with each passing day. Utter insanity around here.

"He looks better in red."

Hands cover me, drag me away from the fury, **busy bees **all around, trying to fix what wasn't broken, what wasn't a mistake.

As the needle prick pain fades away and everything turns black, I can only ponder why they are so absurd, why can't they see that the only thing that needs any fixing at all is the one thing broken beyond repair?

_**You can't fix broken glass once it shatters…**_

* * *

><p><em>Simon <em>comes into my, is it really my room? I did not claim it, I was forcibly given this bed to have as my own, but never staked a claim on it. _Simon _has slept here more than once, as has **Kaylee**, when crazy doesn't scare her away.

Been back full throttle. The dreams, the _memories…_they plague the very being they reside in, never leaving as the rest of the crew flits around, focusing, _trying, _on this **job…**going to that place, it feels so _wrong…_There is something **WRONG, why can't they see? So blind…**

"Captain Reynolds and the others will have to pretend tat we're dead to sneak us into the hospital, but once inside we'll wake up and everything will be find. You understand?"

_Don't patronize me. _I understand **everything…**emotions, the unhappy little neuron connections going on inside of me however, are not.

"You're going to suspend cerebral, cardiac, and pulmonary activity in order to produce a proto-comatose state."

_Somewhat obvious. _Simple drug, well manufactured, can't have any users dying on their hands illegally, would be very bad for business. _Simon _nods, focuses on the needle in front of him, in his hands. Soon to administer the _drug…_

"That's right."

Out of nowhere, the _overbearing _emotions fall into the River, precipitation, causing real water to fall from her eyelids.

"I don't want to do it." Pathetic voice crawls out, weak and tiny, would be highly punished for showing any signs…

_**Two by two, hands of blue. Not allowed to stain skin with damned marks, wear the gloves, the suit, to protect, to shield selves from the blood splatters they cause. **_

"I know."

No he doesn't! What is this! He does not know what it _is _to **know **_**FEEL everything around you! **_**He dies, I die too, **_WILL NOT GO BACK._

"I don't want to go back to that place, I don't want to die!" I protest, weak, the River trying to reign in the waters, keeping them at bay. Weakness is not tolerated by the…**programming…**imbedded deep within.

"No one's going to die. It's okay. The others will take care of us while we're asleep and when we get back-"

Must interject. One…_one _wishes harm on us, infallible. Will happen, can **taste **the blood of the deaths on my lips. "No, no, no, no-"

"Shh, it's okay River. River." He says, little louder. My eyes meet his, full of confidence in his plan. He does not, **cannot **see the wrongness behind it. So full of _hope…_The River takes herself and alters the stream with a simple pebble, rushing into his mind, his confidence, his _hope. _Calms self, the rapids cool.

"This could be what we've been hoping for. When this is over, I'll be able to help you. I'll be able to make the nightmares go away. Okay?"

_No more…_**no more darkness in the night, **_sweat drenched sheets, _screams…I feel myself nod, his confidence overwhelming, _a buoy. _

"Okay. Lie back." He says, full of confidence, but as the needle pricks my skin and I slide my eyes shut, there is nothing but darkness…nothing but the water that seeps out, **don't want to **_**die…**_

* * *

><p>Blessed light, sits up automatically, words overflowing from the mind, startling the large one. Spins around.<p>

"What did you say?" Asks, wildly, brain spinning with…worry?

Tries to think of answer to the question, yet no words flow from the mouth now. She doesn't know, can't know…_Simon _wakes up, coughing, **side effect. **No side effects here, ha! Wait…

Bile rises in the throat, yesterday's food trying to make a second appearance. The River doesn't protest, lets her body do as it wishes, hacking and gagging up the rest of the food in the stomach twisted by so many nerves. _**Feels **_something is amiss, clawing up, trying to fight the flow of the current. Brother guides to a wheelchair, the compliant patient. Muses on the fish that is so readily trying to swim its way up the stream, trying to voice the _worry…_

"We're doing it backwards." **Not good enough, **confusion filters through. "Walking up the down slide."

"Keep her quiet." Man with a girl's name barks, trying to soothe his nerves. The fish starts jumping, trying to show itself to me, but the **utter **pain and the worries from around filter through, abundant and ripe.

"This is the recovery ward. This is where patients come to get better."

_Everyone dies alone…_Words from the past, no, **future**, stick in the mind, rushing through. Everyone dies. There is no such thing as _immortality. _

"They're going to die." Floats from the mouth, spilling forward truths.

"No one's going to die." _Brother _tries to calm what is already calm, but a **spike **of aggression in the fish causes me to glance up, the man with his stomach sliced down the middle.

"He is." Right now, not later. He **will **die.

"No he's not. That man standing next to him is his doctor…" Words trail off as mind focuses on the so called _doctor. _Ge ge's intelligence far exceeds his own, yet here he is, **faking **as a doctor, can't show his face…

"He's not going to help him right." **Doubt **comes through, emerging in the stream, doubt that her words are true, **annoyance **storming over the River.

"River, the doctors here are the best in the system. This is one of the top hospitals in the Core or anywhere else."

"Where you should be." she whispers, the _pride _he so often never feels coming forth. His hand gently squeezes her shoulder, and I feel…_**happy. **_

But then another **spike, **the man slowly, _slipping _away, his doctor, stupid and ignorant. Hands reach down, slam on the brakes, spin around to look at him.

"You have to help him." She says, staring into his eyes. He balks, _not wanting _to draw **unwanted **attention to himself. The doctor, administers more alprazaline, **SO WRONG. **

"He's killing him!" words tumble forth, now doctor brother comes forth, showing his head as he pushes through the crowd. **Jayne **puts his arm around her shoulders, his **bare hands **skimming across her neck.

A bombardment.

**Worry, **_fear, __unhappiness__, greed, __**disgust, **_all flow into her, unfocused from the rush. The River flows into his mind, snatching errant thoughts, the fish in the stream jumping with joy…she focuses on _Simon, _saving the man, putting ignorance in its place. She lets a small smile flit past her mouth as he comes back over, hands resting near shoulder blades.

Then the **darkness **follows as memories overflow as the chair makes me go off…over the edge…

The room _lights _up, and she shakes, the River growing agitated, boiling beneath the surface. _Simon _crouches beside me, **worried, **anxious, _excited…_

"Ready?"

Ready? Ready for what? To be thrown back under, under the knife, under **their **control? Would anyone ever be ready for that? WOULD THEY?

No, no, that's not what I'm supposed to be **ready **for. Ready for neural imaging, _always ready for easy actions. _

Her head bobs up and down, **too many times**, totally unnatural. He takes her hand, guides her to the chair, _memories bouncing around inside the skull. _Chairs like that…**needles**…

The foam, easily made, molds to her body, comfortable minus the tense muscles. Machinery whirred above her head, the birthplace of the River's entity…her eyes slipped closed, keeping the **sanity, the fear **trapped inside.

_Murmurings _filtered in, **pointless. **Already **knew **what they did to me, to her, to _it. _Just no words can form the way the water ripples around everyone, _everything. _

_WRONG! _**BETRAYAL! **HATRED!

Shriek pierces my ears as _his _betrayal burns through my veins, **scorching **my very insides! Don't want to go back, never go back!

"River, it's okay." _Simon, soothing. _

"Get her in the chair, let's go!"

_NO! _**Don't want to go back, never go back, that blackness! Evil where their hearts lie! All black, so black! **

"No, no, no-they come out of the black, they come when you call!" No, no!

"It's okay." **INCOMPREHENSION! Understand ge ge, **_please. _Understand your sister, she is terrified! The River turns white, fear reflecting onto the surface, hatred bubbling beneath.

Eyes flit to the large one. He is fiddling with fire, not knowing the consequences! You only get burnt!

"Your toes are in the sand." Easy mark. **Straight to the heart. **

"And your head's up your-" _pigu. _Know the words, **hear it all anyways. **

"Hey! Back off!" _Simon, rearing protective head. _

_Never go back, _**won't ever go back. Cold exam tables, **hot shocks under feet, must keep running never ending maze, _searing pain, needles in the brain. _Blue, cold and blue, everything blue! Torturous! Growing nearer, pricking ever closer, dainty on silent killing feet, never touch the blood they shed.

**Don't want to go back.**

Hands clench on brakes, shoving them over the wheels.

"No, can't go back, don't want to go back." Tears in voice, lump in throat, shoves away, **struggling **to find a **center**, no one here, all sick and dying or _evil, _all blue and death…

There.

* * *

><p>She sighs, the air loosening from her lungs, out her esophagus, into the windpipe, <strong>merging <strong>ever so nicely into the regulated air filters. Mumblings beside, _Mother detested whispering, lead to secrets. Secrets lead to trouble, lead to nothing…_

"They took Christmas away." She whispers, defying Mother, defying every rule within. Must break free. _Confusion _filters into myself, **swirling around. **

"Come down the stairs for the shiny presents, but they took the tree and the stockings. Nothing left but coal."

**Mark. **

Jayne, riles. Not so ignorant as everyone feels, as everyone _thinks. _No one should think, only stupidity wells from it. Ugh.

…_Must not go back…_

"And don't look under the tree either, it's greedy. Not in the spirit of the holiday." smile, freaks out large one even more. Too close to the truth for his soul to **carry. **Needs a confession…

"Shut the hell up. Right now. Or so help me, I will shut you up."

Eyes roll, sigh escapes once more.

**Slimy **little man appears, demanding unnecessary things. _Simon _rears his crest, a **plan **building inside the betrayer, the one…the one who sold us out to these men.

_Surprised _at her own lucidness. She can tangibly **taste **the yellow of him, the _regret, _remorse, that seeps out from every pore, every muscularly pore.

Refuses to be touched, stands on her own. _Gallows humor _flits from _Simon_, leading the train. She trails, the caboose, straying from the beaten path, keeping the train pounding forward as they try to keep the plan going.

BAM! Attack, attack, even the _doctor _joining in. Tries to keep out the pain, the **fear, **the instinct involved, ripping through each other, pain in the hand, teeth tearing the flesh, trying in vain to push it away…

No, no, must embrace the pain! Mind goes back to **that **place otherwise, _**fear **_**of going back **biting into self!

**Death **from one, cold, blue, _sterile. _Other loses his mind, _slipping into blackness…_**not here much longer anyways. **

Cringes at the thought as he unlocks manacles, falling away with a heavy clank to the ground, the sound waves rippling until they reach the inner ear workings.

"We run."

"You got no idea where that goes."

"We'll find a way."

"I ain't chancing that. I can handle the feds-"

**Cuts off as their ship lands, metal clanking the concrete. Can feel the empty darkness they bring, the **_**blue touching her skin, slapping, grasping, attacks. **_

"Doesn't matter. They're here." stomach seems to drop through the floor as she **feels **their fish enter **her! SHARKS! **Sharks in the water! Slowly making their way, _destroying _the others, their blood filling the River, making her water quiver with fright.

Two by two. Always a pair…always.

Screams from the fish explode, swimming, drowning in their own blood, _fear. _

"Two by two, hands of blue, two by two, hands of blue…" **Two by two hands of blue! Two by two hands of blue! **

She runs, the hospital layout flicking in her head, most likely from **the Sunshine's, **Kaylee, random thoughts collaborating at once. Feet move rapidly, seeking exit. Runs through the room, pushes heavy door, every movement taking longer than it should, **fright. **

**More screams. One last fish, then us. Goes through the River, destroying her. Must run! **

Keeps going, runs, rushes, continues, mutterings leaving her mouth unintentionally, door! Blue, how ironic.

"There."

No way for me to break it, locked from other side, **poor design, fire hazard. **

Pounds against handle, again and again! So much destruction, doesn't work, but _happiness _emerges as she feels her **Father **on the other side, shooting through the metal, waiting for us to go. Feet carry her away, swooping towards the exit…

* * *

><p><strong>Home. <strong>Mother. _Serenity. _

Brother. _Simon. _**Happiness.**

Girl. Human. Who…

Knock comes at door as fingers flit across the page, perfect lines emerging forth. **Smile, love art. Keeps my mind straight as the lines. **

"Hi. What are you doing."

Pause. Why is he here?

"Drawing." He sits, bottom gently falling to the floor beside my sleeping bed. **Princess and the Pea.**

"That's really good."

Compliment, full of truth, but not straightforward. Hypodermic needle is clutched in his fingertips, worry radiating softly, as well as hope.

"What are you doing?"

"I brought some medicine. You remember why we went to the hospital?"

_**I remember everything. Even things I do not need to. **_

"Is it time to go to sleep again?" I ask, unhappiness filtering through.

"No mei-mei. It's time to wake up."


	10. War Stories

**AN: I want to do two things! State a disclaimer: I don't own any of this, duh. AAAAND! I want to thank all my fabulous reviewers! Seriously, leave one every chapter, I love seeing it in my inbox (: They make me smile! So thanks valuableincola, Sorcas, RionaEire, GuesssWho, Daddyscowgirl94, and sucker-for-a-romcom! I know more people have favorited and read this story in general, and I would LOVE to hear how you guys like how this is turning out, seeing how River changes as time goes on, sees her lucid and crazy periods…yeah. So drop a review in my inbox! (:**

**AN: This is definitely NOT the longest chapter in this story...but River only has a minor part. So I apologize for the short length and the fact that River is asleep for most of it...there just isn't a lot of things that I could picture her doing in the short time that the episode spans through. But leave your thoughts in my inbox anyways! :)**

* * *

><p>She dodged the crate, whirling around, the apple clenched inside the River's fingers, she slips back and forth between the large boxes, feet pounding across their mother's belly. Kaylee, <em>sunshine <em>whips on after, giggling.

"That's mine!" She speaks, and I shriek as she reaches out, trying to **grasp **my arm. Laughter bubbles out.

"You gotta get it!"

"Ah, the pitter patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots. Shut up!" Captain Daddy crowed. Giddiness and lighthearted-ness floated from them both, _**sexual tension **_**clawing **under the happy façade.

We rushed upwards, taking the stairs. Small legs, couldn't go more than one at a time.

"One of you is going to fall and die and I'm not cleaning it up."

**False, **we know the ship too well, all the nooks and crannies. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

"She took my apple!" _**sunshine **_protested, trying to get at me. I squealed again.

"Jayne bought a crate of them." _Guilt. Nothing but guilt._

"And that one's mine!"

"Not anymore!" I retort, rushing along the catwalk and through the bridge, startling the dinosaurs, long in their slumbering. Jumps down instead of taking stairs, easier, more fun, feet **kick **happily in the air. Squeal, _sounds like a mouse_, gets cornered. Breathless, winded, give up.

"No power in the verse can stop me!" Kaylee croons, I laugh, happy. Grabs my own apple, munches a few morsels.

Then…

_Roiling, __**stomach, **_nausea. Clamps down on it, but the moment is lost, the happiness drained. She retreats, slowly, flowing like her namesake to a different place. Hardly makes it down the stairs, _uneasy,_ tripping into _Simon's _room, he there? No, unhappiness floods in her, stomach roils for a moment, until she lets her unhappy stomach matter loose, landing on his bed.

_Leans _against the wall, shudders. Slowly pushes self forward, **crawling like a newborn, **until she reaches her own room. Shoves open the door, grabs a blanket from the floor, wrapping it around her shoulders as her stomach protests every action.

_**Monthlies, cycles, menstrual cycles, normalcy, periods, UGH.**_

"Whoa. Mei-mei, how are you doing?" _Simon _floats in, brotherly, doctorly concern filtering through the hazy, red, mess.

"I threw up."

No clue _why _she decides to state the obvious…it is obvious after all.

"I'm sorry, it's a side effect…we just have to find the right treatment for you. How do you feel now?"

_**Crazy. Insane. But like a normal person all the same. Normal girl. Normalcy. **_

"Going." _She chokes. _"Going back, like apple bits coming back up." _**Normal girl, just genius, everything was normal. Back then, in the beginning. Now, there is simply **_"Chaos."

"But you felt okay this morning."

_Yes. Sunshine filtered through foggy red haze, destroyed it. _"Played with Kaylee." **beginning…**"The sun came out, and I walked on my feet, heard with my ears. I hate the bits, the bits that stay down and I work, I function like I'm a girl." _**She is normal. Medicines, hated medicines are wearing away, she is slowly reverting back into the normal 28 day cycle, three weeks of nothingness, another week of cramping, mood swings, normalcy…**_"I hate it because I know it'll go away. The sun goes dark and chaos is come again." _**Always. Never ending. Nightmares, tramping through the mind, creating chaos, entropy, where there was peace and normalcy before! **_"Bits. Fluids. What am I?"

_**Aw go-se. She, I, me, no idea. **_None. _**None at all. Normal, chaos, **_WHAT?

"You're my beautiful sister." _Simon _says, comforting as best as he can. _**Sympathy, empathy **_both float through, mixing with the tear tracks on my face. Might as well.

"I threw up on your bed." I manage to whisper, trying to keep self **centered. **

_Simon _pauses, disgust tinged with happiness swirling around. "Yep, definitely my sister." He says with a smile.

_**I know what I am. I am Simon Tam's sister who throws up on his bed. Definitely his sister. **_

"Mei-mei, I'm going to give you this now. It'll help you sleep."

**Medicines caused this. Can't fix everything with medicines, doctor or not. **_But you can sleep, therefore escape it all. Escape the confines of the mind for a while, dream, free. _

With a nod, the River acquiesces to the medicines, ignoring the gentle **prick **of the needle on the skin, focusing on the walls that needed some cleaning. _Simon _helps her lay backwards, and she watches as the walls start to dance, the colors mixing until they formed the endless black of sleep…

* * *

><p><em><strong>BANG! <strong>_Mother collapses into another, the River bolts awake, shaking. Memories floated into the forefront of the mind, telling her about the heist. She _knew _it would work, that Daddy and the Pilot would return. Damaged, **mentally, **but returned. Family again, holding close. Not going to let them go.

She lies there, listening to the bangs and the battle outside, praying to whatever deity, whichever ruled the skies above, that they would stay outside, no **wandering **inside Mother's belly.

_**She does not like strangers. **_

Smoothly, with the lithe movements reminiscent of a feline, I flow from the bed, the fabric of the dress falling in a crumpled mess around the skin. She slinks from the bedroom and takes a moment, waltzing through the ship.

_**Surge! Of fright! **_She dashes downstairs, carefully focusing on the fright, **absorbing it like a sponge. **

_**Sunshine is in trouble. **_

_**CANNOT LET SUNSHINE GET HARMED!**_

A mental switch twitches, just enough to gather bearings. Darts beside **Kaylee, **matching her crouch. _Feel _the men outside, but must get a glance. Quick! Back under cover before they can shoot close enough, not long enough reaction times. Too slow, too slow.

**Flickers **of old, repressed memories filter in…

"Can't look, can't look."

When you look, the blood becomes your own, _**faces **_**painted in your mind, forever haunting. **

_**I see you.**_

**One. Two. Three. **

Dead. Moment they hit the floor, their little lights, _flicker in the darkness _go out, turning to nothingness. Pride flits, a moment, that **she **could remember, remember and not go mental.

Turn towards Kaylee…

"No power in the verse can stop me."

* * *

><p>They are home. A family. All together again, nestled in the underbelly of Mother, curled in the one spot they can truly call <em><strong>home. <strong>_

A glance _burns _on my skin, and I flinch, catching **Kaylee's **eyes, and she turns away, startled. Sadness whirls inside, fright, _fear…_

_**Nothing can fix the broken glass once it shatters. **_


	11. Trash

**AN: I know, it has been absolutely forever, and I have no real excuse besides the fact that I've been absolutely busy, what with my new job and all, and trying to get all this college crap straightened out. I hope I haven't lost any readers! Please review! **

**This is one of the shortest episodes for River, considering most the time she's locked up in a room with Simon. However, I hope you enjoy the sibling time!**

* * *

><p>Dancing, blowing along on the wind, <em>fake wind, <em>rustling hair, cooling skin, making songs filter through the brain pan, easing out the sticky and solid, ethereal, figurative thoughts whistling on through, too incoherent to nibble on.

_**She's here. **_

**Mal, Captain Daddy, **his _wife. _I can taste her sticky presence, it's always there, **staining **the very family function in Mother _Serenity. _

She is a liar and no good will come to her.

"River?" _Knock, knock, knock. _

"Come in." Voice cracks, and the girl winces, **hating** the weakness shown. _No weaknesses allowed. Enemy will manipulate…_

"Hey mei-mei. What you got there?"

Eyes dart down, look down to pad of paper. Huh, how did that get there? Then again, rhetorical question unnecessary, know exactly how it got there, **in the past. **

"Drawing."

"Doodling, more like it." _Simon _cracks a grin, but her eyes fall onto the paper again, _feeling _another gnat grow closer to the ear.

"Simon?"

Ge-ge sighs, turns to door. "Jayne is coming to talk to us right now, tell us what our job will be during this heist."

_Voice _**catches **during sentence, showing his _dislike, yet __**acceptance. **_Knows it is needed, knows it is life now.

She wouldn't have it any other way.

"Knock knock." He comes in, steady mind, no slip. Lets fall into her web, catching hold onto it, wrapping herself around the rock to stay **steady, **_frosty…_

Bags fall onto the bed, can _hear _the bad-tasting tinge. _**Their **__company, _**DESPICABLE, **is letting me eat. Irony, never appreciated in the moment.

"Captain says you're to stay put. Doesn't want you running afoul of his blushing, psychotic-" _he knows that word? _swims through the air. Catches it, giggling on the inside. "bride. She figures out who you are, she'll turn you in before you can say…don't turn me in lady."

"This bounty on us just keeps getting more exciting." _Simon, _stale. Finds no humor in it, **she **giggles, enjoying the taste of candy on her tongue. Rolls it in her mouth, savoring, before it turns sour.

"Well, I wouldn't know."

Oh, BULLSHIT! **You called them down on us, **_**you did. **_

"She's a liar." Eyes burn into his, _willing _him to admit to it. He knows she knows, won't admit to self. Too ashamed, _**good!**_

"That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us. The plunder sounds fun though."

_**Change of subjects don't work on a genius, genius. **_

"She's a liar and no good will come to her." _No good will come to those who lie and cheat their way through life. He doesn't often, but just enough, at the inopportune moments. _

"Well, as a rule, I say girl folk ain't to be trusted."

Insult, supposed to sting, **needles in the eyes, **never feels the prick of a bumblebee's stinger anymore. It hardly touches, _**can't compare.**_

"Jayne's a girl's name." She teases, can't help poking fun when mind is so _tangible, _words easy to taste, food easy to hear!

Bristles. "Well Jayne ain't a girl!" Humor dances around, filling the River, making her _**rush. **_"If she starts in on that girl's name thing, I'll show her good and all, I got man parts!"

So defensive, must be trying to compensate for something. Then again, _**she sees all, **__and he isn't compensating for anything. _**Merely an experiment, observation. **

"I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just-it's not coming." _Simon _teases, prodding porcupine, who darts out of harm's way, not wanting to stick anyone else with its barbs.

"I was going to leave you a pack of cards!" Holds them up tauntingly, _**quick glance, **_fear crouching inside the porcupine, hiding under the quills.

"Great. Another exciting adventure in sitting."

_Simon _gets bored easily, too easily, will just about lose his head with nothing to talk about in here. **She thinks, **_thousands _**of possibilities of conversation starters rushing through the mind. **

"Afraid."

_**Misinterprets. **_"We'll be okay. Why the captain is trusting that boo hway-hun duh pou-foo-"

He will curse forever if I don't make myself clear. "Not her. Jayne." _**Rock **_trembles within the web, entanglement. He doesn't want us to know. _Ever. _

"Afraid? Since when?" _**Doesn't believe me. Can taste it, the sweet turned sour, the river darkening within, happiness drifting into melancholy. **_

"Since Ariel." _Lies do nothing good. Truth will set you free. _"Afraid we'll know."

Confusion and _**anxiety **_flits through the air, catching in the whirlpools of the water, snagging along the rocks. "River?"

Eyes meet, a smile leaps upon her, my lips, tugging up the corners. Hand pats his own, unraveling at the seams.

"Call them, and they will come. Greed enchants all of them, _**catches **_all of them."

_**Bombardment!**_ Eats through skin, pulls hand away quickly, **burned from the stove. **

"Are you saying that pi gu turned us in to the feds?" _Simon _speaks, voice all **harsh, **raging. She nods, frightened at the sudden change of events. He _**notices, **__simmers, _**relaxes. **

"Get some rest mei-mei. We are going to be here for another full day or so."

Can't sleep, too much planning, plotting, **conniving. **Shuts eyes, _**ears open. **_

Tastes the whispers along the wind, brushing the surface of the waters, **testing. **Gentle nudges, upwards, pushing them back out.

_**Rides the waters, washing them over, **_**following the **stream. Undying, never ending, _River in her own self. _

"_Simon, we need you up here." _

How long had she been there? Hidden away, swimming amongst the water, _**testing to see how far they could go. **_

"I'll be right back River. Right back. Stay here."

_**Urgency **__wafts through the waters, _then alone.

Nothing left but coal.

_Feels _the call, walks softly, emerging from room as a chick from the egg. Hatchling. Dragon, _**breathes fire. **_

_Simon _looks down on **Jayne. **Neck wrapped, muscle relaxer induced. Plans to talk.

"Calm." Speaks, looks pointedly at ge-ge. "No dragon."

_Simon's _lips curl upwards, **growl**, as he looks at the prone form. "No dragon mei-mei. Promise."

She sits, clenching metal of the door, pondering, **waiting. **Waiting is not my skill set, screw this. Prods at the man-with-a-girl's-name, makes him wake up. Smiles, work is not quite yet done.

"Wuh happen?" Groggy, she rolls her eyes, _**always need to be alert. Pain, sleepiness, fight through it all. You are useless when not alert. **_Shivers, fights back memories.

"You got knocked out." Sterile. Cold.

"Dih we gedda payoff? Dih we make the money?" _always greed. _

"Can you move your arms and legs?"

_**PANIC!**_ Sets in, she shudders, keeping it away, holding the vicious dog at bay with a large stick.

"Dah nod movin!"

"Do you want to know why? Your spine. You hit it pretty hard when you fell."

"Pine?"

"Yes. So I gave you something to knock out your motor functions so you wouldn't wrench it when you cam to. Should wear off in half an hour. You'll just be bruised."

"Pine okay?"

_Simon's _cool, **cold, **anger wells over. Enough is enough. I nod, eyes slip shut for a moment. Ready.

"How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?"

**Panic once more. Lies, deceit. **_Little Jayne, _truth always wins out. Speak nothing but the truth, the whole truth.

"Das crazy talk."

"Then let's talk crazy. How much?"

"Is anybody there?"

_Peeks _head in, eyebrows raised. Cool and calculating, like _Simon. _

"Anybody else?"

Ge-ge dives in, under the knife, talks to Jayne, _**almost-but-not-quite **__a threat. _Truce. Armistice. _Peace at last. _

_Simon _finishes, walks by, anger **simmering **below the surface. She decides to work her magic, _kick him while he's down. _

"Also? I can kill you with my brain."

**Fear, utter FEAR pinches at the big man, the **ape, he is done, the bell rings, fight is over.

She walks along, hand grazing over the metal, until the belly, the midsection of the **Mother **is reached. Crew, awkwardness, embarrassment, _Captain Daddy is in his birthday suit. _

_**What a day to behold. **_


End file.
